


i am more than selfish (i am tired, i’m helpless)

by spitzerspace



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: ANGST but make it fashion…, F/F, aka hors d'oeuvres au, but i don't think there's really much angst, divorce fic, fluff in due time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21685561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spitzerspace/pseuds/spitzerspace
Summary: Being divorced before the age of 30 was never a part of Penelope Park’s 10-year plan, but neither was holding back the love of her life.
Relationships: Penelope Park & Josie Saltzman, Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 392
Kudos: 845





	1. every day has its challenges

**Author's Note:**

> trying something difference  
let me know…

“You’re back,” Penelope says softly. 

Josie gives her a blank expression, almost like she wants to roll her eyes. “You knew I was coming back today.” 

Penelope stares for a brief moment, trying to take in the sight in front of her, before mentally coming to. “Right, yeah, of course,” she nods quickly, “I guess it just hadn’t really sunk in properly.”

“Right…” Josie nods back slowly, then averts her eyes to look at the schoolyard, the trees, the ground; anywhere but Penelope. 

Penelope doesn’t want to look away from what feels like a fresh of breath air after a year of deprivation, but she feels Josie becoming uncomfortable so she shifts her gaze towards the classrooms. 

“How was Europe?” Penelope tries, hoping to start a light conversation. 

Hoping being the operative word. 

“Let’s not do this right now,” Josie quickly retorts, head lowering towards the concrete below, “I’m only here for her.”

Penelope opens her mouth to say something but decides better of it. The ringing of the school bell saves her from having to come up with anything else. Schoolkids begin rushing out of their classrooms, looking for their parents or friends to walk home with. Penelope’s eyes search for a familiar face in the crowd and notices that Josie’s doing the same, but they both can’t seem to find it. 

Until a loud yell is heard. 

“Mum!” 

Both Josie and Penelope turn around to see a flurry of hair running towards them, arms outstretched and backpack holding on for dear life. 

“Baby!” Josie yells back, walking forward, unafraid of the bullet train aimed at her. The impact looks somewhat painful but Penelope knows Josie’s strong enough to take it, so she instead softens at the sight in front of her: the two lights of her life embracing each other. 

“Mum, why are you just standing there? Get over here!” 

Penelope just chuckles lightly and shakes a head in faux annoyance, but of course she walks over to them to join in on the family hug. Arms unlink to allow room for her and she fits right in, just like always. 

Penelope revels in the hug from her daughter, but if she’s being honest, she’s melting under Josie’s touch, having missed the feeling for over a year. She takes in the warmth and love - or what was left of it - and tries to memorise it, knowing this probably won’t happen again soon, if not ever.

They all break away and begin walking out of the school gates, talking about how excited they were that Josie was back home. Once they reach the car park, Penelope walks them towards Josie’s car and she already feels herself reluctant to say goodbye, even if it was just for a week. 

“Be good for your mum, alright?” Penelope bends down to hug her daughter tightly, who nods into her shoulder and reassures her that she’ll be so good. She looks upwards to give Josie the fondest look she can muster up and gets a somewhat forced smile in return. Once she lets go, they both head into the car and drive off, leaving Penelope behind in the now empty parking lot. 

//

It takes Penelope a good few minutes to walk home but the time feels lengthened by the sheer amount of thoughts that were dancing in her head. 

After organising and clearing up her thoughts, Penelope knew 3 things for sure: Josie was back, Josie was back, and Josie was back. 

Alright, well, she supposes it’s better than the fuzzy white noise tumbleweed that used to be there. 

She drops her keys at the front door and takes in the quietness of the house, once brought to life by two familiar voices and vibrant presences, then one, and now none. 

It would only be a week until she saw them both again, but it was honestly two weeks too long. 

She wonders if things will change now that Josie’s back, but she doesn’t allow herself to indulge in those thoughts for too long. It was simply a rabbit hole that she’s been down too many times, having memorised all the twists and turns by now. 

She mentally shakes all thoughts away, quickly makes dinner, and drowns the night in a book. 

She passes the empty rooms on the way to her own and quietly turns down for the night.

She lays in her bed and tries to clear her mind and prevent it from wandering, in the attempt to have a peaceful night, but all roads lead to roam. 

There honestly wasn’t much to think about, really, just two things: the weight of the entire world crashing in on her and the whole expanse of the future that lies ahead of her. 

But she falls asleep after settling on the thought that it just feels weird. 

It just feels weird that Josie is now just some woman who she shares a daughter with, as if she wasn’t the absolute and entire love of her life. 

//

Penelope shows up at Lizzie’s house the next day, after having spent all morning planning the beginning of what she hopes will be a rectification. 

“Can I just speak to her, please.” Her voice almost sounding desperate. Almost. 

“I don’t think it’s such a great idea… she made it very clear that she doesn’t want to speak to you about anything other than little Liz.” Lizzie seems reluctant to let Penelope inside, repeatedly looking over her shoulder in case Josie appeared. 

“That’s not her name,” Penelope reminds her for probably the hundredth time, and Lizzie ignores it, for the hundredth time. “Look, I know you have to be on her side, but I just want to make things right again.”

Lizzie nods, but the sad exhale she releases and the sympathy in her eyes lets Penelope know that she’s not going to be able to talk to Josie today. 

Penelope sighs, accepting the fact. 

But then the gods decide to give her a break and Josie appears at the top of the staircase, looking down on Lizzie and Penelope. 

Josie slowly makes her way down, arms crossed, trying to look menacing, but she constantly looks down to make sure that she wasn’t going to slip on the step, since she couldn’t hold the handrail, so it slightly derails the aura she’s aiming for, but Penelope knows to take it just as seriously. 

“What are you doing here?” Josie asks sharply once she reaches the bottom, and it feels like any answer that Penelope gives will automatically be wrong. 

Lizzie’s eyes widen and she takes it as her cue to leave. 

“I just want to talk,” Penelope tries to say firmly, but her voice wavers. She clears her throat and tries again with more confidence, but softly, cautious to not provoke an adverse reaction. “I think we should talk about this.”

It was her chance to change things, to open the door towards healthy communication and beginning to rebuild some form of relationship between them. 

“What is there to talk about?” Josie snaps, her hand visibly tightening on the door frame. _ “You _ cheated on _ me, _ remember?”

Penelope goes to say something, anything. 

Her mouth opens. Nothing comes out.

And the door closes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhh i’m back i guess.
> 
> so who has two thumbs and started another 8-week research project ??  
i’ve been writing a literature review for 4 days straight so i’m serving brain fried rice here but i had a sudden inclination to write this today and if it wasn’t finished before i slept then it wasn’t happening at all, so woop!!
> 
> look… i know i have an epilogue to write or whatever, but that requires me rereading all 40k so….. let’s just ignore that.. & welcome back to chapter notes longer than the actual story !!! lol
> 
> ok, before u get caught up, penelope did NOT cheat on josie. i know it’s a spoiler but i think it’s important for you to know, instead of thinking for a sec that this story involves that sort of thing
> 
> disclaimers & shit: i am not a poetic person, nor am i very descriptive (i like ppl filling in their own blanks i.e. i’m laze), as you can probably tell from my other stuff, so if you feel i’m not doing the characters/story justice or u have suggestions for improvements, please PLEASE let me know, i am begging u
> 
> anyway, notes:  
\- no joke but if this somehow gets too sad i’m dropping it  
\- hoping to make it quick and short……..  
\- we’re talkin like 1k chapters here…..  
\- i’ve read like 1 divorce fiction piece in my life and i didn’t even finish reading it so we’re just winging it here, my apologies lmao  
\- if u don’t already know after me saying it 39 times, i am australian, in case u are wondering why my vocab is.. like that  
\- i’ll probably be using ‘mum’ a lot, i’m sorry, mom is just unnatural for me, but if it really pisses u off for some reason then i’ll change it
> 
> also, let me know if you want like funny stuff or not. like should i keep it angsty, or break it up with some usual bullshit?? yeah, if you have an opinion, please feel free to send it over  
(honestly, u have no idea how much of my own bullshit i had to cut out. i know there’s still a little, but, it’s like an automatic reaction to write crack)
> 
> title is from Family Man by Lily Allen - i know i usually use songs by lgbtq+ artists but it’s just a very good song ok
> 
> as always, u can find me on twitter/curiouscat @spitzerspace
> 
> hope u have a good week, peaze out


	2. it's not always easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one goes out to the twilight saga films

“Lessy, say mama,” Penelope coaxes as she points towards Josie. “Mama!”

The toddler looks up at the both of them with wide eyes and coos in excitement, slapping her hands together. “Mummy!”

“No, no, baby,” Penelope says softly. “_I’m _ mummy, that’s _ ma-ma. _”

“Ma-mee!” Less yells again joyfully, holding out her arms towards Josie to gesture that she wants to be picked up. 

Penelope pouts and leans back onto the couch as Josie laughs and picks up their daughter. “Babe, this isn’t working, let’s just leave it be.”

Penelope lets out a dramatic huff and slumps at yet another failed attempt (previous attempts may have involved some begging, but Penelope would never admit it). “We can’t have her calling us both the same thing!” she protests, crossing her arms, “how will we know who she’s trying to talk to?”

“It’ll be fine.” Josie rolls her eyes, giggling at Penelope’s persistence. “I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.” Penelope mopes at Josie’s indifference to the situation, pouting even harder in the attempt to get her to change her mind. “Plus, it’s kinda nice that we’re equal to her, you _ are _ my other half after all.”

And the pure love that’s so unmistakably apparent in Josie’s eyes… Penelope’s not sure what she would do if it ever disappeared.

“Stop being sappy, I’m trying to be assertive here,” Penelope complains.

“Mhmm,” Josie nods sarcastically, “and you’re doing a great job, babe.” 

“Don’t patronise me.”

“I would never.” Josie pretends to be shocked, covering her mouth as if she’s dumbfounded that Penelope would even suggest such a thing. Less, who’s watching them quietly in Josie’s arms, giggles loudly and copies the movement. 

Penelope snorts, rolling her eyes at Less and Josie’s antics, but then she remembers what she’s meant to be doing. “We need to be a united front,” she says firmly, with hopeful determination, “we can’t keep letting her get away with this.”

“Babe, she’s our one-year old daughter, not a _ Scooby-Doo _ monster,” Josie laughs. “Stop worrying your pretty head.”

Penelope’s pout immediately disappears and is replaced by a shit-eating grin. “You think I’m pretty?” Penelope raises her eyebrows, acting innocent.

“I hate you.” Josie rolls her eyes, not doing a good job of hiding her smile, but moves towards Penelope and into her space.

Penelope follows suit and leans into Josie, their faces mere centimetres apart when she pauses. They stay there for a moment, staring at the other’s lips, before Josie clearly gets too impatient and closes the gap. Penelope laughs into the kiss, not being able to stop herself, especially with Less in between them giggling her head off. She pulls away slowly and instead embraces the both of them in a tender and warm hug, feeling like nothing could ever beat this moment in time. 

“I know.” Penelope grins into Josie’s neck before pulling away to gently cup her face. “But you’re stuck with me, forever.”

//

“Mum!” Less yells at Penelope immediately after opening the door. 

“Yes, baby?” Josie walks out of the kitchen to see what Less wanted, not seeming to notice Penelope’s presence. The drop in Josie’s face when she realises that her daughter is talking to Penelope matches the drop Penelope feels in her heart at the reaction, beat for beat. “Oh. Other mum...”

“Hi,” Penelope waves, somewhat sheepish, still trying to calm her heart after taking in the sight of her ex-wife - though, it’s not like that effect ever went away after years of marriage. But she hadn’t seen her since the failed attempt at reconciliation last week, and it’s taking some time to get adjusted again. 

“You’re early,” Josie points out, planting on a forced smile, which Penelope knows is for Less’ benefit. 

“Yeah, sorry. Aunty Hope,” Penelope shifts her gaze to Less and gives her a broad smile, “wanted to grab an early dinner with us.” As expected, Less immediately beams at the news, Hope being the loaded family friend who gives her anything she asks for. “You’re invited too, if you want to join us?”

Josie bites her lip as if she’s trying to hold herself back from saying something. Whether it’s a snarky comment or attempting to not immediately want to join them, Penelope can’t tell. 

“That’s fine, I have some things I need to do, hope you both have fun.” Josie turns to Less and gives her a soft smile. “Lessy, honey, how about you go get your school bag and mum will meet you out front.” 

Less nods and quickly scrambles up the stairs, clearly excited to get to see Hope.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Penelope asks again, hoping Josie might change her mind. 

“No, thank you,” Josie replies politely, “Plus, I’ve seen Hope too many times this week. She says it’s because she’s missed me so much, but I know it’s just an excuse to see Lizzie.” 

“Oh, do they still think that we don’t know they’ve been dating for years?” Penelope jokes, grinning at their obliviousness. 

Josie laughs - actually laughs - obviously Penelope can’t help but do the same. And for the briefest moment it’s like nothing ever changed between them. At the very least, Penelope’s racing heart remains the same. 

Josie quickly schools her features as they hear Less coming down the stairs, enthusiastic and ready to leave.

“Bye mum!” Less waves at Josie as she slides pass her and out the door, skipping towards the car. They both watch as she tries to open the door, finding it locked, but still trying again and again to pull it open, as if it’ll magically unlock. 

“Well, I better go before she breaks my car,” Penelope gives her a soft smile, “Bye, Josie.” 

The name feels unusual, unnatural, and she can tell that Josie feels it too. 

A quiet “Bye,” is all Josie says. 

//

They meet Hope at the restaurant and that connection between Less and Hope that Penelope never understood is ever so apparent as they yell when they see each other, running as if they’re in slow motion. 

“Aunty Hope!” Less shouts, ignoring the rest of the people in the restaurant.

“Lessy!” Hope responds, with just as much vigour. They begin to do some weird handshake that Penelope is 100% sure changes every time, so they must be having secret meetings where they’re updating it.

They all settle into a table and, of course, Hope has whatever latest toy Less had had her eye on - which seems to be some electronic maths game that Penelope is already hoping Less will never ask her for her help with - and Less bursts with excitement, hugging her and thanking Hope endlessly. 

“You spoil her,” Penelope chuckles, having given up on trying to refuse Hope’s gifts long ago. 

Hope squeezes Less into a side hug. “I can’t help it - with Less, I’m _ hope-less, _” Hope laughs out loud at her own joke, as if Penelope hadn’t heard it a couple hundred times before. 

“Wow, that joke does _ not _get funnier with time...” Penelope mumbles. A server appears at that moment and quickly takes their orders, leaving soon after.

Hope and Penelope start chatting, while Less investigates how to turn on her new toy. 

“She did date a bit over there,” Hope says, “but it never lasted.”

Penelope nods, hiding the sudden pain she feels in her abdomen, knowing she has no right to be jealous, and smiles through it. “I’m glad that she’s trying to move on,” she says sincerely, though Hope looks unconvinced. 

“And how are you dealing? With her being back and all?” Hope asks. 

“Well, after my attempt last week… I’m trying to give her some space, but I’m fine.” 

Just as she says that, Penelope feels another sharp jolt of pain in her abdominal area, clutching her right side and trying not to wince. 

“Fine, my ass…” Hope looks down at Penelope’s hands, “you still haven’t told Josie, have you?”

“No, and she’ll never find out,” Penelope stares pointedly at Hope, who seems to get the message.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m keeping my promise,” Hope reassures her, “but wouldn’t _ you _ want to know if something happened to her?”

“Yes, of course, but it’s not that simple. We’ve been over this, Mikaelson,” Penelope sighs.

“But-”

“You honestly want me to tell her that I went on vacation and got into a bad accident, _ right after _ we separated?” Penelope says quietly so Less doesn’t hear, but she looks too invested in her video game to care.

“Well, maybe don’t say it like that…” 

“What’s the point? It’d just seem like I’m rubbing in the fact that I went away as soon as we broke up _ and _ that I’m trying to gain sympathy points or something.” Penelope hopes that that’ll be enough to convince Hope to stop nagging her.

“I guess… but doesn’t she deserve to know, regardless?” Hope shrugs, “You know she still cares about you.”

“Well maybe it’s time that she completely moves on,” Penelope says halfheartedly, too tired to have this conversation right now.

“You don’t mean that.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can tell when she looks at me…” Penelope swallows, looking over to where Less is fully immersed in her game.

“She doesn’t love me anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take a shot every time a posie fic uses i hate u, i know
> 
> thanks for all the feedback from the first chapter, time to get this ball rolling so buckle in :-)  
but like, i realise how slow it feels with such short chapters, so it’s more like those kiddie rides which don’t have seat belts
> 
> sorry for all the [whatever the opposite of dramatic irony is], but things will become clearer i hope
> 
> real question, how do people come up with names lmao. anyway, i know ‘Less’ isn't a common name, but we’re going with it 😁
> 
> of course, i am super curious as to what everyone thinks happened, but if you DO have theories along the way, please try not to post them here hahah 😂 i am 100% sure that they will be more logical than mine and i’m gonna kick myself in the head for not thinking of it  
so, for now, please keep it a secret 😅 (but i would absolutely love to hear them afterwards, so i can kick myself then)
> 
> anyway, if anyone has a motorised prosthetic leg for some reason… it would be really helpful. and have a good week!


	3. if i had the time of day

“And this one is named Bruce,” Josie says proudly, pointing at the small succulent. 

“Bruce? Really?” Penelope quirks a brow, amused at Josie’s naming choices. 

“Yep,” Josie states matter-of-factly, ignoring Penelope’s questioning facial expressions, and moves onto naming the rest of the plants with just as equally human-sounding names.

Penelope loses track after the next few but Josie seems so carefree and happy as she points each one out, so she doesn’t stop her. She makes a mental note to draw up a spreadsheet later on so she can study and memorise all the names. 

“They’re beautiful, JoJo,” Penelope walks up behind her and wraps her arms around her, resting her head on Josie’s shoulder. Josie instinctively places her hands atop of Penelope’s and she sighs in contentment as they both look over their budding garden. 

“Do you think Less will like them?” Josie asks, sincerity in her voice, as if she’s genuinely worried that a baby will judge her arrangement of plants. 

“I’m sure she’ll love them,” Penelope reassures her, not mentioning the fact that the newborn baby would have absolutely no concept of object permanence anyway. 

“Yeah, I hope so,” Josie nods, “but you like them, right?”

“I love them.” Penelope gives her a small squeeze. “I love _ you.” _

Josie turns her head to look at Penelope. “Gross, babe. Not in front of the children.” Josie gestures at the plants in front of them. 

Penelope rolls her eyes but doesn’t give in to Josie’s attempt at deflection. “You’re going to be an amazing mother,” Penelope whispers.

Josie’s face softens and she looks back and forth between Penelope’s eyes. “As long as I’m with you, nothing will ever be less than perfect.”

Josie leans in towards her, closing her eyes and whispering a quiet _ I love you _ just as their lips are about to touch. 

Penelope wants to take in the sight but her brain can’t seem to physically handle it, so she closes her eyes and waits.

When she opens them again, she’s met with a plain ceiling and a loud noise. 

Instinctively, she reaches over towards the other side of the bed but, similar to every other morning, she finds nothing but empty sheets. 

The loud noises are heard again, this time in the form of a door flying open and a manic screeching sound, and followed by a large figure jumping into her line of sight. 

Penelope feels the brute of the impact, after having less than half a second to prepare herself, and slowly opens her eyes to the child in her arms.

"Mum! It's Sunday!" Less yells, and if Penelope wasn’t awake before, she sure is now. 

“Morning, baby,” Penelope laughs, closing her eyes as she hugs Less closer towards her. “It’s Sunday,” she nods in agreement, excited for their weekly tradition.

//

"Honey, you've got to pick them up from the bottom," Penelope chuckles, looking at the patch of weed stems poking out of the soil.

“They’re attacking Bruce, Mum!” Less says, worried about the large, old succulent in the centre of their garden. “Didn’t you pull them out last week?”

If Penelope was being honest, she was slightly preoccupied with Josie’s return and, with Less also being away, maintaining their garden may have slipped from her mind. 

“I must’ve forgot, sorry sweetheart,” Penelope says while watering their multitude of plants. She mentally lists off each of their names as she waters them, making sure that everyone gets the required attention. Though, they were well into winter, so not as much was necessary anyway.

As Penelope finishes up one side of the garden, the doorbell rings and she goes to open it.

// 

Penelope closes the door and drops her bags onto the living room floor, too exhausted to unpack - it was mainly just unwashed clothes anyway. After being away for a good couple of weeks, a thin layer of dust had settled onto the furniture around her and she takes in the desolation of the house.

The pain in her chest flares at the physical exertion of lugging baggage but a burning, unwavering desire - stronger than the one telling her to rest - pushes her towards the back door of the house. 

She walks over to the garden and the sight in front of her leaves her heartbroken. 

The wilted flowers and shriveled plants almost speak for themselves, reminding her of what she had done - what she had destroyed. 

But nothing leaves her as devastated as when she sees Bruce - the succulent barely hanging onto its last leaves, its colour almost matching the _ No Hurt Wrap _ that Penelope had recently become so accustomed to. 

In a weak attempt to salvage the plants, she quickly fills up the watering can and hauls it back towards the garden. The water spills out, flowing over the desolate space. 

There’s not much Penelope can do, not much that water could immediately fix - the amount of tears that she had shed in the past weeks was proof enough.

The plants had been the last thing on her mind, but now, they were truly all she had.

All she can do is hope that _ something _ was still alive.

//

Lizzie waves her hand in front of Penelope’s face. “Hello? Anybody home?” 

Penelope tightens her grip on the knob of the open door, feeling like her body needed some sort of physical hold on reality. 

“Lizzie.” Penelope smiles, raising her brows, “what brings you here?”

Lizzie looks at her as if the answer should be obvious. “It’s Sunday.”

“Yes, it is.” Penelope nods. “But it was also Sunday last week, and the week before, and-” 

“Alright, I get it, I skipped a few weeks but-”

“Try 23 weeks.”

“It’s weird that you know that. Has someone missed me?” Lizzie gives her an amused grin.

Penelope rolls her eyes. “First of all, we see each other at least once a week and that’s already excessive. Second, it was when Less came back from Europe. _That’s_ why I know how long it’s been.” 

“Sure, let’s go with that,” Lizzie nods, “anyway, enough small talk, where is that little rascal?” Lizzie pushes past Penelope, clearly already knowing where Less is. 

Penelope hears the back door opening, immediately followed by an excited yell. "Aunt Lizzie! Look at my tomatoes!"

She chuckles to herself and makes her way back to the garden, standing on the back porch as she watches Less animatedly explaining each of the newer plants to Lizzie, who nods along with equal excitement but Penelope knows she has no idea what Less is talking about. 

Lizzie joins Penelope on the porch railing, after Less finishes listing all the specific growing conditions for tomatoes, and they both watch her digging out the weeds and saying _ ‘hi!’ _ to each worm or bug she encounters.

“That kid sure loves those plants,” Lizzie observes.

Penelope nods. “There’s a lot of nice memories tied to them,” Penelope shrugs, “they’ve been there all her life.”

“It’s good that she has something stable in her life,” Lizzie says offhandedly, not looking like she’s paying close attention to what she’s saying.

“Ouch, Saltzman,” Penelope laughs, “I know you’re on her side, but no need to be so brutal.”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” 

“Relax, it’s fine.”

“It’s really not,” Lizzie sighs. “Anyway, for the last time, you need to stop saying I’m on her side. You know that I’m not.” 

“I know,” Penelope nods slowly, “and I get what you mean by stability. I mean, Bruce is basically as old as her… they grew up together.”

They both look fondly towards the succulent, still kicking after all these years - though Lizzie isn’t exactly aware of its near death experience. 

“Josie loves that plant,” Lizzie notes. 

“Loved,” Penelope corrects her. Lizzie doesn’t comment.

They turn their gaze back towards Less, now aggressively raking the fallen leaves into a pile, with a rake that’s much too big for her. 

And really, it’s moments like this that remind Penelope that everything could be alright after all. 

//

The week mostly goes by the same way as before Josie had returned; Penelope walks Less to school each day and picks her up afterwards, they talk about their days and anything funny or interesting that had happened, Penelope cooks dinner while Less finishes her homework, they settle under a thick blanket cuddled together on the couch and read their own respective books, only disturbing the peace every once in a while when they find a particular line of text that they think the other would enjoy. 

At the end of the week, Penelope helps Less pack her bag, making sure she has everything she needs for another week, and brings her over to Lizzie’s house. 

When Lizzie opens the door and sees Penelope, her face immediately lights up. “My favourite person!” Lizzie yells excitedly, “Penelope, move out of the way so I can see her.”

Penelope laughs, stepping to the side so that Less, who’s grinning widely, could move closer towards Lizzie. “Always a pleasure to see you too, Saltzman.”

Josie walks out of the living room then, presumably having heard the ruckus. 

“Mummy!” Less pushes pass Lizzie, who looks slightly wounded, and jumps into Josie’s arms, assuming a full koala bear hug. 

Penelope hears Josie giggling and whispering with their daughter from behind Lizzie and she doesn’t feel like ruining a nice thing at that moment, so she takes it as her cue to leave. 

She gives a daughter a quick goodbye, having already said their farewells in the car, but Less decides to lean towards the front door, almost falling out of Josie’s arms. Josie walks them towards where Less is reaching out her arms, wanting to give Penelope a hug but making no effort to jump down. 

It’s a slightly awkward hug, with Josie and Penelope’s faces coming closer than they’ve been in a while, but Less is none the wiser, bidding her mum a heartfelt goodbye. 

They let go of each other and Penelope’s about to leave when Lizzie speaks up.

"You're coming over for Christmas as usual, right?"

Josie sputters at that. "Wait, what, I-"

“I’ll take your silence as a yes, see you then!” Lizzie waves, before Penelope has any time to respond, and closes the door behind her.

And Penelope’s a bit tired of doors closing on her, but maybe she’s also selfish enough to open this one again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way the last chap was meant to be some fluff but all the comments... my BAD
> 
> look, i tried my best to make it angst-free, but like... simba liz em or something...
> 
> but really, this whole fic is just penelope walking around and opening and closing doors, nothing else
> 
> also let me know if the flashbacks are confusing since they’re not in italics. i try to make it as obvious as possible but it might not be
> 
> Bruce (an acronym) is an inside joke related to my leg research, where the only people on the inside are me, myself, and i, and maybe the skeleton in my lab
> 
> i just wanted to clarify that my chapter notes really have no relation to the plot and it’s just me sharing a few of my unsolicited thoughts hehe. ur not missing anything by skipping this part 😁
> 
> hope everyone’s doing well this holiday season, i know it can be tough sometimes.
> 
> (google ‘koala running gif’ if you feel like screaming for a solid hour. the nat geo one is my absolute fave)


	4. i might give all my days to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh was anybody else obsessed with Winnie the Pooh as a kid...

The shaking of the tree draws Penelope’s attention. 

She immediately thinks that the stray cat that somehow always ends up in their home is here again - where they enter and exit from will always remain a mystery to her, no matter how hard she’s tried to follow them. She slowly walks into the living room, ready to lure the cat out of the tree with some  _ pspsps’  _ lest the carefully placed ornaments start falling out. But then she hears her two favourite sounds: a cooing, coming from underneath the tree, and Josie’s voice, somewhat frantic. 

“Lessy! No! Don’t go under there!” Josie quickly gets up from her place on the couch and dives under the tree, bulldozing through the neatly wrapped presents. 

She appears back up again, now with a giggling baby in her arms, her hair tousled and falling onto her face. She’s wearing the most hideous sweater, one that Penelope had helped her pick out, and it’s terribly difficult to not fall just that little bit deeper. 

Penelope muffles a laugh from where she’s watching them from near the doorway and Josie, only now realising her presence, turns to her and huffs, blowing a few strands of hair away from her face. 

“I leave for 2 minutes and our daughter almost makes it to  _ Pooh’s  _ house.” Penelope gestures towards the tree. 

“I can’t help it, she’s so fast!” Josie pouts and begins searching Less’ person. “It’s like she has a built-in hyperdrive system or something.” 

Penelope chuckles, walking towards them. “It must be all the books we’re reading her. She can’t get enough of that bear.” 

“Yeah, well, she’s going to  _ love _ her presents,” Josie says, looking over at the unmistakably bear-shaped gift under the tree. 

Penelope smiles, wrapping her arms around Josie and Less, and they stand there in the middle of the living room, the bright lights of the tree reflecting off Josie’s eyes. 

“So, how will we celebrate Ditchmas now that we have this little precious angel with us?” Penelope looks down at the baby cradled in between them, almost on the edge of sleep with the newly added body warmth. 

It was an age-old tradition, beginning from their first Christmas Day together when they were just over half a year into dating. Penelope and Josie would always attend the same party or gathering and, inevitably, leave early without even a hint of a trace. Their escape plans had become so convoluted over the years, mainly due to planning their routes and diversions days ahead of time, that Lizzie and Hope had one time enabled the  _ Find My Friends _ setting on their phones in order to track them down. However, once they realised where and  _ what _ exactly Josie and Penelope had been doing, they never bothered them again. 

“What do you mean?” Josie says, “Less is officially a part of Ditchmas now. She goes where we go.”

“And where  _ do _ we go?” Penelope lifts a brow in question.

Josie just shrugs. “Anywhere. As long as we’re all together, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Somehow, Penelope feels those words more than anything, knowing that Josie isn’t just talking about their annual plans of running away together. 

Penelope nods and smiles up at her. “That sounds perfect.”

Josie smiles back, holding the moment for a few more seconds. “Alright, now, let’s just enjoy this peaceful and quiet time - before Lizzie and Hope come over in half an hour and ruin it.”

“I don’t know about that,” Penelope shrugs, “I feel like nothing could ruin this.” 

They stand there, a family wrapped up in each other, so content and complete in each others presence. 

A second later they hear a meowing. 

“Honestly, how!” Penelope throws her hands up in the air, exasperated. “How do you get inside?!” she asks the cat, who is standing on the floor a metre away from them. 

Josie just laughs and goes to place Less down on the rocker in the corner of the living room, the baby having now fallen asleep. She leaves the room while Penelope has a stern talk with the stray cat, trying to figure out their secrets and hidden house blueprints. However, it eventually ends up with the cat in Penelope’s lap and Less waking up to the sound of loud purring.

A flash of light appears out of nowhere and Penelope turns her head towards the sound of the mechanical shutter of the  _ Polaroid _ camera in Josie’s hands. 

“What is this? A gay  _ Taylor Swift _ music video?” Penelope snorts. “You know they make phones with cameras now… it’s pretty amazing.”

“Shut up. It’s our first family holiday season together.” Josie rolls her eyes, grinning widely. “It should be special.”

Lizzie and Hope arrive before Josie can take another photo, barging into the home as they bicker about whatever topic they’re pretending to be arguing about this week. 

After their quick greetings, Hope looks at Penelope and her face immediately lights up. 

“Oh, Mr. Snuggles is here!” Hope beams. “This is the cat I was talking about, Saltzman.”

Lizzie crosses her arms. “The one that you compared my eyes to?” She looks down at the cat, brows furrowed as she examines his blue-ish yellow eyes. If Penelope thought about it long enough, she would probably agree, but there’s something else on her mind right now.

_ “Mr. Snuggles?”  _ Penelope asks, confused as to how Hope was acquainted with their mysterious trespasser.

“Yeah, I always leave that window on the roof open for him whenever I come over, but I’ve never actually seen him come inside!” Hope says excitedly, kneeling down to gently pat the cat. The cat seems to immediately recognise her and abandons Penelope’s lap to nuzzle against Hope instead. “I always have to pat him outside and-”

_ “You!” _ Penelope whisper-shouts, accusatory, but she inhales a deep breath to prevent herself from saying or doing anything rash.

Josie takes that as an opportunity to interrupt them. “Alright, babe, you can worry about that later. Now’s the time for nice family photos, remember?”

Penelope exhales and drops the subject -  _ after _ making a mental note to drop the cat off at Hope’s apartment when she next sees him.

They end up taking a scrapbooks worth of photos; of them all, of just their small family, of just Lizzie and Hope, of just Mr. Snuggles. 

They hang up the pictures everywhere they can; the fridge, their rooms, the hallway, hell, even one in the bathroom. 

When it comes to opening presents, Penelope only really cares about the one that Josie gives her. It’s a gag gift, or so Josie says. She looks down at the framed cross stitch of the yellow bear and the quote underneath, and her heart glows.

“Don’t even try to deny it,” Josie whispers, giving her a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’ve seen you cry while reading  _ Winnie-the-Pooh _ to Less.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Penelope says as she tears up. 

Before they run out on Lizzie and Hope and leave their own party to go cuddle up by the lake, Penelope hangs the artwork in their room.

It quickly becomes one of her most prized possessions. 

She doesn’t take it down for years. 

Not until Josie leaves, and she re-gifts it to Less. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's mood is brought to you by Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere. well, at least that’s what’s playing in Penelope’s head always, every second
> 
> Winnie?? why?? yeah, idk why i did that but it’s done
> 
> this chapter was meant to include the whole present day shebang as well, for the ||parallels|| & shit, but it got too long so i’ll post the rest later lmao (tho i do think they should be read one after the other, oops)
> 
> happy holidays! go to the beach! yell at your government (or come yell at mine)! pat a cat/dog! be gay!


	5. i've let loose, i'm faithless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i have to say is: yup

Once again, Penelope finds herself at Lizzie’s door.

Lizzie’s the one who opens it. “Did you bring everything?”

Penelope lifts up the canvas bags she’s holding in response and Lizzie nods once in approval. 

“Good, we’re in the kitchen.” She opens the door wider and quickly rushes back into the house. Penelope just chuckles and walks into the house, closing the door behind her. 

She passes the living room and sees Josie sitting on the couch with Less, watching a kids program on the television. Josie’s wearing a sweater, and it’s hideous, just like Penelope had picked out for her. 

A soft bell rings, bringing Penelope out of her daze, and she hears the pattering of paws on the floorboard. 

“Mr. Snuggles!” Penelope whispers, “I didn’t know you were going to be here!” The cat meows back at her and begins to nuzzle at her legs. “Wait one sec, let me just put the bags down.”

She heads towards the kitchen in the back of the house, with Mr. Snuggles duly following behind. She sees Hope placing something in the oven and Lizzie aggressively mixing some unusual-looking concoction in a large bowl. Hope startles when the mixture starts flying out of the bowl and onto her, and she stands up to gently try and relax Lizzie’s shoulders and grip with some tender touching. 

Penelope drops the bags unceremoniously, announcing her presence, and the pair quickly jump away from each other and pretend to be doing something else, separately. 

“Oh, hey, Park,” Hope says, nonchalant, as she opens the oven again, as if to check whether the dough she placed in there less than a minute ago was done or not. She nods at the oven, brows furrowed as she seems to settle something in her head, closes it, and then turns to Penelope. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing much.” Penelope tries very hard not to smile suggestively, “I just have all the ingredients you asked for.” She gestures towards the bags on the floor. 

“Oh, great, just leave it there. You can go hang out with Less in the other room.” Hope gives her a very unsubtle wink and Penelope knows exactly what she’s trying to do, though she doesn’t mention that fact that Hope also just wants to be alone with Lizzie. 

Penelope sighs, slightly worried about being alone with Josie, even if Less will be there. “Are you sure? Don’t you need any help in here?”

“Nope, we’re good.” Hope simply replies, going back to doing whatever it was she was doing.

Penelope nods, mostly to herself, and slowly walks back towards the living room. She sees the tree, the cat, Less, Josie, and - of course - _ Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too _ playing on the television, and it all feels too familiar. But it’s not hers anymore, and maybe she needs to learn to respect that.

She takes a breath and walks in, giving them both a smile and a wave. Less looks up first and her face lights up. “Mummy! Come join us!” Less excitedly pats the empty spot next to her.

“Hi, baby,” Penelope replies as she walks to the couch, accidentally making eye contact with Josie, but they both quickly look away. She sits down and Less pulls her closer, but their daughter isn’t exactly a large person, so it brings her exceptionally close to Josie. She can feel how tense they both are, quietly watching the loud television screen, while Less happily sits cuddled between them, as if it was just another family night like the old days. 

When Hope and Lizzie finally announce that dinner is ready, they both all but leap from the couch, only pausing when they notice Less still engrossed in the series, even though she’s watched it every year since her birth. 

“Come on, baby, it’s time for dinner,” Josie says to Less, holding out her hand. Less slowly reaches her own hand out towards Josie’s general direction, still paying attention to the screen, but finally gives in when the program ends a moment later. She takes Josie’s outstretched hand and reaches her other towards Penelope. And, as well established, Penelope has no ability to deny Less of anything, so she accepts and they all walk to the dining room, hand in hand. 

Hope and Lizzie both look down at their hands when they walk in, but make no comment. Less goes to take her usual spot at the head of the table, with Josie and Penelope on either side of her. After they bring in all the plates, Lizzie settles down next to Josie, and Hope with Penelope, as they both simultaneously try to tell a story about some fiasco that had happened earlier in the kitchen. Mr. Snuggles takes it upon himself to take the other end of the table and Hope places a generous bowl of food in front of him. 

“I see you brought Mr. Snuggles over,” Penelope says to Hope.

“Well, he’s part of the family, I didn’t want to leave him all alone in my apartment.” Hope shrugs and Penelope nods in understanding. 

They all start chatting about their plans for the new year, keeping the conversation light and playful, while Less mostly just models a rocket ship out of her mashed potatoes. Lizzie and Hope separately mention that they’ll be going away on vacation the following month, the dates suspiciously close to each other. When she hears that, Penelope’s instinctive reaction is to share a knowing look with Josie and, when she does, she finds Josie already looking at her, expression incomprehensible. 

At some point, Mr. Snuggles starts nuzzling at everyone’s legs in the attempt to charm his way into some extras, as if he was starved after having just finished his large bowl. If anybody notices practically everyone on the table trying to secretly sneak him food, no one brings it up. 

“Well, I told him that I didn’t want to go but he keeps asking me,” Lizzie shrugs.

Hope appears to be aggressively knifing into some vegetables that, in Penelope’s opinion, do not need to be cut any smaller. “Just tell him to back off,” she says, in a somewhat scarily calm manner, not looking up from her plate. 

“I don’t know,” Lizzie smirks, obviously trying to rile _ someone _ up, “he’s kind of cute.”

Hope’s grip on the knife and fork tightens minutely. “I thought you were interested in that _ other _ person at your office.”

“Yeah, I was, but they didn’t seem too keen on the idea of a serious long-term relationship,” Lizzie says casually.

“Maybe they didn’t _ know _ you felt this way.” Hope isn’t even trying to be subtle at this point. 

“I thought I made it _ pretty clear _ the other day.”

“How clear was it _ really, _ though?”

“Like knocking on pristine glass.”

“Maybe after a snowstorm...”

_ “Snow _ clear.” 

“Then maybe you _ should _ go with him then.”

“Maybe I _ will.” _

Josie looks unsure of what to say but she doesn't seem at all amused, as if she’s suddenly irritated that they both won’t just outright say that they’ve been seeing each other - which has never seemed to be a problem in the past when she and Penelope had played it as an inside joke. 

And, as weirdly intriguing as this whole interaction is, Penelope does not want any part of it. Hope looks about ready to stab more than just vegetables. But then again, Penelope has been known to butt in every once in a while. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t go after someone if you’re already interested in someone else,” Penelope offers, trying to help Hope out.

“You would know all about that,” Josie suddenly jabs, though her tone isn’t harsh, a manner to prevent alarming Less. 

Lizzie nudges her and whispers, “Josie, stop.”

It didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. Josie had been avoiding speaking to her directly during the entirety of the meal, and it’s not like they were best gal pals in the living room earlier. 

But it still hurts all the same. 

It hurts just like every other time; in the same way, in the same exact location, to a T. At this point, the pain is so familiar that it _ almost _ feels comforting - a reminder of why she did everything she did. 

Penelope winces slightly, hoping no one notices, and quietly excuses herself from the table.

She walks out of the dining room and up the stairs, planning to take a short breather in the bathroom. 

The pain begins to subside as she reaches the second floor and it relieves her to know that her control is gradually improving. A few words from Josie might have been all it takes, but she can manage it. 

She passes by Less’ room, the door wide open, and from the corner of her eye she sees something familiar; something she used to wake up and fall asleep to every day. She walks over to the small dresser and picks up the frame propped on top of it. 

A few stitches loose, but otherwise as immaculate as when she’d first laid eyes on it, the yellow bear smiles softly up at her, holding a large red heart.

She reads the quote underneath, the neatly hand-stitched cursive letters.

_ “If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, _

_keep me in your heart. _

_ I'll stay there forever.” _

And suddenly, it’s all too much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we really just split the chapter again huh..
> 
> but as i said at the start, it’s all about the short chapters !!
> 
> just move to the next one and shhh lol


	6. i am lost and shameless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is for you, you know who you are...

It's too much.

It’s the weight of everything, coming down on her, making it difficult to breathe. It’s how completely she had once felt those words, how completely Josie had once meant them. It’s over- and under-whelming at the same time. 

She places the frame back on the dresser and her initial plan of seeking the bathroom is once more so appealing.

She closes the door behind herself and walks over to the bathroom vanity, finding grip on the sink. The pounding of each beat of her heart resounds in her eardrum, as if it were coming from outside the bathroom, and she tries to take deep steady breaths. She closes her eyes and imagines a familiar voice next to her, gently instructing her when to breath in and out. For the most part, it helps calm her heart rate, but the persistent, unforgiving pain in her lower abdomen returns with more than a vengeance. 

She clutches her side, pressing down on it, as if she can physically squeeze out all the pain. But all it does is just give her reminders, and reminders, and reminders. 

Hot red flashes, bright operating room lights, tear-stained faces.

And that’s how Lizzie finds her, hands on her abdomen, breathing heavily.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were still in pain?” The voice is hushed, scolding. 

Penelope just shrugs, not in the mood to return a snarky quip, and Lizzie must see the pain behind her eyes. 

“You’re literally an idiot,” Lizzie huffs. 

Penelope laughs, a choked sob manages to escape along the way.

“Jesus Christ, and a mess…” Lizzie walks towards her and wraps her arms around Penelope’s shoulders. And there’s nothing Penelope can do but sink into the embrace. 

“I thought I could do it,” Penelope says quietly, voice strangled, shaking her head, “but now I’m not so sure.”

She had been standing on the verge of tears for a while now, but what Lizzie says next basically dropkicks her over. 

“I’m here,” Lizzie whispers softly, and that’s all it takes.

The tears fall easily, uninhibited, and Lizzie’s shirt soaks each one in, welcoming the intrusion, the dark damp spot encroaching the fabric with every uneven breath. 

She continues, “just like we said back then, when you told me that this would inevitably happen, and when I told you I’d be there.”

Lizzie does exactly as she had promised, and it’s the only thing keeping Penelope from completely falling apart. 

“What you did for her… for _ us _… while knowing full well the consequence… everything that you would lose… I know you told me to never mention it again, but, I’m so grateful.”

They stand in the middle of the bathroom, Lizzie gently rubbing her back as it drains out of her, long overdue. 

A minute or so passes and she feels another warm body embrace her from the other side. She doesn’t need to open her eyes to know that it’s Hope. 

Hope, who has no clue what’s going on but offers her support regardless.

After what feels like an hour - though the physics of the bathroom would probably translate it to a couple minutes - Penelope slowly pulls away and Hope and Lizzie step back to give her space.

Penelope looks between the both of them, takes one last deep breath, and simply gives them a single small nod. They seem to understand whatever it is that Penelope is trying to convey - she hardly knows, herself - and step aside to let her leave.

She wipes the remainder of any tears away from her face and hopes that enough time has passed for any redness to settle down.

She quietly makes her way down the stairs, a breath with every few steps. She pauses by the living room entrance when she sees Josie giggling with Less, looking like they’re trying to guess what’s in the neatly wrapped presents. 

They seem happy, and Penelope supposes that that’s all that really matters, and she would take all the pain in the world for it to never go away.

The soft ring of the bell pulls her away once again. Mr. Snuggles gallops towards her, presumably to collect the pats she had promised earlier. Penelope kneels down and gently strokes his back, the cat lifting his tail in contentment. 

It’s been a while since she last saw him. Her plans of dropping the cat off at Hope’s apartment years ago didn’t account for her daughter and wife, at the time, becoming physically and emotionally attached. Whether or not Penelope also got attached is irrelevant; Mr. Snuggles had managed to integrate his way into their home. 

So when Josie had given him to Hope right before she left for Europe, Penelope couldn’t help but painfully laugh at how things had come full circle. And though she knew Hope would give him back in a heartbeat, Penelope had never asked.

“You didn’t want to be alone today, did you?” Penelope softly scratches his head, “yeah, me too.”

Once Mr. Snuggles seems satisfied with the pettage quota, Penelope stands back up and heads to the kitchen. She distracts herself with the stacked dishes in the sink, soaking in the mindless movements of washing up.

At some point, she hears Lizzie and Hope coming down the stairs, laughing, Hope singing some rendition of _ Feliz Navidad _ , along the lines of _ For Liz, Chubby Cat, _followed by a timely meow from Mr. Snuggles. And it’s comforting to know that they made up from whatever it was earlier, and that they’re still happy as well. 

Just as she’s finishing up, she hears a soft and shy voice behind her. “Is everything alright?” 

She dries off the final dish and turns around, attempting her best smile that lets Josie know she’s fine. “Yeah, it was just cramps. You know how I get.”

Josie nods in understanding. It’s silent for a while as they look at each other from across the room.

“Look, I’m-”

“I didn’t-”

They both speak at the same time and shy gazes are exchanged. 

“You go first,” Penelope says, gesturing in Josie’s direction. 

Josie slowly walks forward towards her, their eyes never leaving each other.

“I just wanted to apologise for what I said earlier. It wasn’t fair,” Josie says, her hands clasped in front of her. 

Penelope gives her a slight shrug. “It was completely fair.”

Josie lets out a small laugh. “Alright, it was. But never in front of Less.”

Penelope nods and, once again, it’s quiet. 

It’s more eye contact than they’ve had the entire year combined, mainly because Josie was overseas, but just the gaze alone makes her feel everything she’s pushed down during that time; everything she’s wanted to say to her. 

Penelope sighs, glancing away. “Look, I know what I did was inexcusable, and I’m not asking for forgiveness, I would never expect that from you, ever.” She looks back at Josie. “But I meant it when I said we should talk about this, so we can at least be civil. For Less.” Penelope knows it might be a low blow to use their daughter, knowing Josie would do anything for her, but it is truly for Less. Still, she prepares herself for another rejection or, possibly, a combustion. 

Though, it doesn’t come. And it’s just quiet again.

The silence is broken when they hear Lizzie, Hope, and Less laughing loudly about something from the other room. 

Finally, Josie nods. “You’re right, I don’t forgive you, but we _ do _ need to be civil,” Josie says, eyebrows furrowed as she looks down in contemplation. “And I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the past few weeks.” She looks back up at Penelope. “We can’t go on like this forever.”

“So, what does that mean?” Penelope asks, letting Josie decide what she’s comfortable with. 

“It means we try, at the very least, to be friendly to each other, we don’t actively avoid each other, we can even _ talk _ while watching a television show together.” Josie mock gasps at the last part, as if what she said was scandalous.

Penelope smiles, rolling her eyes a little. “Alright.” She nods. “Civil.”

Josie nods back, giving her a small smile. And Penelope’s starting to lose count, but they somehow always seem to naturally find themselves silently gazing at each other again. 

“Merry Ditchmas, Penelope,” Josie says quietly as she turns to leave.

“Jo…sie, wait,” Penelope suddenly remembers something. “I, um-, I actually got you something.”

“Oh.” Josie looks slightly surprised, but her expression lets Penelope know that it’s not completely unwelcome. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Penelope says. “I brought it just in case the opportunity ever arose, but I wasn’t sure if you’d even want it or not.”

Josie gives her a questioning look, tilting her head a bit. “What is it?”

“Nothing big, it’s just-” Penelope cuts herself off, “I’ll just let you look yourself.”

Penelope reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a small white card, and hands it over to Josie. 

Josie, still looking confused, reaches over to take it.

It’s a polaroid, of the two of them and Less, from their first holiday season as a family. They’re both leaning into each other as they sit under the tree, its bright coloured lights saturating the top half of the photo, beaming up at the camera while Less sits in between their laps, her face lit up brighter than any light; all three of them impossibly happy. 

“I know I said I gave you all the photos from that day, but I always kept this one in my drawer at work.” Penelope shrugs, trying not to think too hard about it, knowing the tears were locked and loaded, ready for round two at any second. “I thought you might like it.”

Josie’s eyes still haven’t left the photo, scanning each and every corner, and Penelope’s starting to get a bit worried that it was the wrong move; that Josie doesn’t want a photo of _ what once was _ in her possession. If she’s being honest, she had hesitated even bringing it, seeing as it was the only physical photo that she had left of them all together - coming home from the hospital to a house of empty squares wasn’t exactly in her top ten favourite moments in life. 

“I mean, you can cut me out if you want to, or I have a Sharpie in my bag if you need-”

“Thank you,” Josie says just barely loud enough to be heard, her eyes seem glossy as she looks back at Penelope. “It’s fine, I’ll figure something out...”

Josie looks like she’s contemplating something, her mind elsewhere. Finally, she takes a breath. “This doesn’t mean anything.”

And now Penelope’s slightly confused. But Josie walks over to her before Penelope has a second to realise what’s going on. It takes her by surprise, the incomparable warmth, the gentle but firm pressure, the scent of everything she’s lost. Penelope’s brain might short circuit - though, really, it’s more like an open circuit where her thoughts have no path to follow and are just leaking everywhere - but she still manages hug back for a short moment before Josie lets go.

Josie quietly leaves the kitchen, but her words linger.

It doesn’t mean anything. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck it, it’s the holidays, they can have a single hug right?
> 
> if u know me, u know i hate angst, but... uhh... [h2o accent] yeah, mate, i don’t noughueueue
> 
> but we going: civil 🤠🤝🤠
> 
> anyway, some notes regarding the whole cryptic-ness (u can skip this if u don’t care, wbk i talk too much, but i just want to explain what i’m thinking):  
\- look i, also, would like to know what happened. sorry lads, it really is taking it’s time, please bear with me, there are some logistics i need to work out...  
\- tbh i don’t know how long this story will end up being, so it’s difficult for me to gauge the perfect timing for certain events and how they will fit in the overall story w/o any retrospection, but i will try my best!!  
\- there’s no big hype, i’m not trying to use shock value or something like that, i ain’t smart enough for that lmao. but i do think it’s important to have a feel of the whole situation and to build your own thoughts before things unfold (i.e. are actions justified etc. etc.)  
\- oh yeah this is definitely the kind of story that requires intricate planning and shit tons of editing once complete, but i currently don’t have a schedule that allows for that, so that’s on me! i apologise for that  
\- if you would like to, there’s always the option to wait until the story is finished, and that’s completely fine!  
\- but of course, your real-time thoughts are forever & always appreciated and taken into account  
\- to summarise, i AIN’T SMART. just keep that in mind...
> 
> alright, last update of the year!! 2020 here we goooooo
> 
> IMPORTANT: a huge fucking thanks for all your support this year, you have no idea how much it means to me :’) ❤️❤️❤️ I LOVE ALL YOU GAYS
> 
> hope you have a wonderful end of 2019 and this fucker of a decade ❤️🌈


	7. i don't like most people

“You're so damn irritating.”

“Yeah, but we're friends now, so you have to be nice about it.”

Josie rolls her eyes, “I should never have agreed to that.”

“But you did and you can’t take it back.” Penelope smiles cheekily at her, eyes squinting with playfulness.

“I thought you’d be less annoying after, but I feel like I’ve just fuelled the fire,” Josie grumbles.

“Well, we all know about your attraction to fire.” Penelope shoots her a suggestive wink. 

“Shut up,” Josie huffs and faces back to the front of the classroom, where Mr. Williams lectures about some mathematics equation, oblivious to the commotion.

Lizzie pops her head out from where she’s sitting next to Josie. "God, you both act like an old straight married couple."

If hearing those words stirs something in Penelope, she pushes it deep, deep, down.

"Straight? Never."

"Married? Never."

Penelope and Josie say at the same time, much too synchronised, and share a fleeting bewildered look with each other before quickly averting their gazes to the front. 

Lizzie and Hope, sitting on either side of them, just crack up laughing, garnering a few looks and hushed shushes from the other students.

They don’t speak to each other for the rest of the day and Josie seems like she’s purposefully avoiding her.

Penelope wonders why.

Moreover, she spends the next morning wondering just what in the hell she thinks she’s doing. 

Her body wakes her up at 6 o’clock in the morning and starts making an absolute mess in the boarding house’s communal kitchen. 

Bags of flour and sugar are laid out on the counter, an open carton of eggs gradually becomes a breeding ground for bacterial growth, and an exposed stick of butter begins melting. The ruckus caused by grabbing the mixing bowls out of the cupboard has probably woken up the whole school, but Penelope can’t seem to care about that right now. 

As she mixes the dough she wonders for the fiftieth time why is she doing this, but she comes back to the same conclusion each and every time: she just has a feeling that a _ certain someone _ will like it.

Lizzie walks in a few moments later, yawning, and immediately goes for the kill, no hesitation or doubt. “Aw, how cute, you're making cookies for Josie.”

“Who says I’m making them for Josie,” Penelope scoffs, and it’s never too early to start lying straight through one’s teeth. 

Lizzie gives her the most disbelieving look she has ever seen in her life and casually continues, “Right, anyway, Josie hates sugar cookies - says they’re too sweet and hurt her mouth.”

“Oh…” Penelope pauses her movements. “Well, they're the only thing I know how to make,” she frowns, puzzled, because doesn’t Josie seem like the _ exact _ kind of person to love sugar cookies? Perhaps Josie isn’t exactly what she appears to be.

Lizzie just shrugs, as if to say _ not my problem. _ “Whatever, I'm sure she'll love them since they're from you.”

“What's that supposed to mean, Josie can’t stand me.” And now Penelope is even more confused, like Lizzie is abruptly taking away the pieces of the Josie puzzle Penelope has constructed in her mind and is replacing them with completely different ones - ones that Penelope never thought would have fit.

“Mhmm,” is all Lizzie offers, leaving the kitchen and a perplexed Penelope behind with no further explanation. 

Penelope looks down at the destruction site and sighs.

But really, she was in too deep to just drop the entire thing now. 

Unsure of what exactly to do, not having thoroughly considered the situation, she grabs a rough handful of salt, throws it into the mixture, and hopes for the best.

After rolling out the dough, Penelope scrambles through the cupboards and rejoices when she finds a box of what sounds like cookie cutters. She opens it, stares down at the box entirely full of _ heart-shaped _ cutters, and immediately regrets her whole life. 

For a moment, she contemplates just roughly cutting out circles with a knife, but she’s nothing if not neat in all her work - irrespective of the messy process. So, she presses the cutters into the dough, and with each one, she progressively gets the uncomfortable feeling of wholehearted intimacy - the thought unwavering no matter how hard she tries to press it down too. At the last minute, she quickly cuts a line down each one to make a somewhat waterdrop-shaped cookie instead. 

Happy with the outcome, she slides them into the oven and starts washing up while waiting for them to bake and cool down.

With the new knowledge that Josie doesn’t enjoy things too sweet, she forgoes the icing and grabs a jar of peanut butter from the pantry, quickly heading out as she starts to hear students making their way to their first class of the morning. 

“JoJo, wait up!” Penelope calls, spotting Josie heading out of her room. She balances the container of cookies and jar of peanut butter in between her arms and quickly makes her way towards Josie.

Josie turns around, slightly annoyed. “Are we still on that nickname?” Her books are held tightly against her chest, arms crossed around them.

“I come with a peace offering.” Penelope holds out the container in a gesture.

"Oh.” Josie’s face immediately softens and her shoulders relax.

And there’s something in Josie's expression that Penelope can't seem to read. Later in her life, she'll spend hours thinking of ways to see it again, but right now it’s just confusing the hell out of her.

Penelope tries to gauge the reaction as Josie looks at her. She seems like she appreciates the thought, though her expression is also hesitant, sceptical of the items in the box. 

“You made these for me?” Josie’s voice is quiet as she takes the box, the halls empty now and the classroom doors closed.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Penelope possibly now just hears exactly how unusually nice and personal the gift is but ignores it. 

“Thank you.” And there’s that damn look again, Penelope’s not sure how to interpret it, but it’s giving her an uneasy and fluttery feeling in her stomach. “Not to be rude, but what’s up with the weird droplet shape.”

“Oh, um, I don’t know,” Penelope shrugs, trying to quickly come up with something. “You like fire, I like water, I guess.”

Josie nods in interest, as if genuinely intrigued by Penelope’s half-assed and completely made up explanation. 

Though, she still looks hesitant to try one, even if she tries to hide it.

“I promise they’re not poisoned or anything, here, I’ll take one too.” Penelope picks one of the cookies out of the box and looks down at it. “I’ve been curious to see what they taste like anyway.”

“You haven’t tried them yet?!” Josie asks, now looking even _ more _ concerned. 

“Um, no,” Penelope says, sheepish, “I just ran to find you once they were done.”

Before Josie can make fun of her about it - the teasing glint in Josie’s eyes tells her that it’s about to come - Penelope continues, “but if they’re awful, that’s what this is for.” She lifts up the jar in her other hand and wiggles it lightly. “At least I know you love peanut butter.”

Josie laughs, nodding. “That’s true. Alright, deal.” She grabs one of the cookies and holds it out vertically and upside down, pointing it towards Penelope. “Cheers.”

Penelope smiles and follows suit, connecting their cookies as she maintains eye contact with Josie. “Cheers.” 

If either of them notice that the cookies are completing the heart shape that Penelope had purposefully avoided, neither of them say anything about it. 

Well, Penelope for sure notices, and squashes down that unusual feeling once again. 

They both take a bite and Josie immediately looks surprised, as if she had previously already settled on the fact that she wouldn't like them but is now undecided. Penelope supposes that it’s a win. 

“Woah, these are actually pretty amazing.” Josie’s brows furrow.

Penelope laughs, “Wow, you really had no faith in me.”

“Wait, no, I just, I usually don't-,” Josie cuts herself off, contemplating something. “Nevermind. Thank you, really.” She seems to suddenly realise that the hallway is empty and looks up at the clock on the wall. “Oh crap, I need to get to class, I’ll see you later.”

Josie gives her one last look - it’s different, unusual, like something’s changed - before quickly turning and hurrying away.

//

Nothing much had changed. After their agreement to be friendly, they spoke more when they each dropped Less off at the other’s house, but apart from that, nothing much had changed. 

They had a civil conversation about their week, a civil chuckle, a civil gaze. 

It was _ all _ very civil.

Less enters the kitchen from the backyard and looks at the crowded counter. "What are we baking?"

"Cookies," Penelope says casually as she begins cracking eggs into the mixing bowl. 

Less is silent, too silent. Penelope pauses and looks up at her, seeing that she has an expression which looks somewhere in between suspicion and giddiness. 

"Like the ones that taste disgusting but mummy loves?" 

Well, that was honest. 

"Yep," is all Penelope says, not delving in, and continues adding ingredients.

Less seems like she wants to make a comment, she's holding back a smile but it's all too apparent in her eyes; like mother, like daughter, Penelope supposes.

"Okay," Less simply says and pulls out a chair to join in, like she has done a hundred times before.

Even after years of making them, Penelope still has no idea what the actual measurements are. She just takes a handful of salt and chucks it in every time, hoping for the best. Josie had once said that that's what made them perfect, that the size of her hand was the exact amount that was necessary, that when Josie had tried to make it herself they didn't turn out right. Penelope had laughed it off, teased her for it, but she still thinks about it every time.

Now, watching Less pressing hearts into the dough brings up something that she has squashed deep, deep, down. 

// 

Penelope knocks on the door, unsure as to why she was suddenly so nervous. Less doesn’t seem to notice, having wandered off to the side garden, muttering something about the state of Lizzie’s plants.

When it’s Lizzie who opens the door, any anxiety that had built up immediately dissipates. Lizzie instantly gazes down at the container in Penelope’s arms and gives her a disgusted look.

“Gross, you made your weird, salty love cookies.” 

Penelope rolls her eyes but can’t help chuckling. “They’re friendly cookies, because we’re friends now.”

“Right, sure.” Lizzie nods, always so disbelieving. Regardless of her comment, she grabs one out of the box and turns to leave, shouting loudly into the house. “Jo, the devil and her angel are at the door! And they have baked goods!”

Josie appears at the top of the stairs a moment later, a small smile on her face, and quickly skips down.

“Oh, what’s the special occasion?” Josie perks up.

“Nothing special. Just thought you might enjoy it.” Penelope gives her a smile.

If Josie has that same look on her face, as confusing as the first time it had appeared, Penelope speaks nothing of it, adding it to her mental camera roll.

But it quickly goes away when Josie puts on a serious expression.

“Oh, yeah, I think I’m finally allowed to say that I never liked these…” Josie says, and Penelope’s whole world shifts off its axis. 

“Oh, well, I-” 

“Oh my god, your face,” Josie giggles, “I’m joking! You know I love them.” She grabs one from the open container and smiles fondly down at it. 

“That was mean,” Penelope pouts and, if she’s being honest, that was more cruel than anything Josie had said when they weren’t on the best of terms. 

“That’s what friendly people do, right? Joke with one another?”

“Sure,” Penelope can’t help but smile, rolling her eyes a little, and takes one of the cookies from the box.

Josie just laughs and holds out her own towards Penelope.

“Cheers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yuck, that was so cheesy, i have to laugh. but oh well, a bit of a crack filler chapter for now woooo
> 
> anyway, we back! hope everyone had a nice new years!!
> 
> i did much thinking, many thoughts, pondering. it was a good time. very excited for what's to come!!
> 
> hope everyone has a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see ya


	8. i'm just doing what i can to get by

“Less loves her birthday present.”

Penelope smiles but doesn’t look up from the book as Josie enters their bedroom. “I know.”

“Cocky much?” Josie playfully shoves her, lifting the bedsheets to join her.

Penelope huffs and accepts that she won’t be able to finish her book tonight. She gently chucks it onto the nightstand and turns her attention completely to Josie. “There’s literally so much bed on the other side - that was so unnecessary.” She gestures towards the entire other half of the bed that remains untouched, still neatly made up from the morning. 

“But I like your side better.” Josie shrugs as she wraps her arms around Penelope’s waist, blinking slowly like she’s ready to knock out at any second. “It smells nice.”

Penelope laughs softly, not bothering to reply to Josie’s sleepiness, thinking that will be the end of it. 

“But she really, really loved it,” Josie continues quietly, her eyes completely closed now. “She wouldn’t stop rambling when I tucked her in. And now I despise even more how good you are at decision making.”

Penelope sighs, looking down at her sleepy wife, and gently runs her hands through her hair. “She would’ve also loved Europe.” Her tone is disheartened, melancholic of plans, absent of blame. 

“Mm,” Josie mumbles, “but Lizzie needs me.”

Penelope knows she shouldn’t get into this right now - they’ve gone over it enough times in the past month alone - but she feels it’s her last chance. “You and Less can go. You know that I’ll do anything to help her.”

“Babe, we’ve talked about this over and over. I know you would.” Josie burrows her face deeper into Penelope’s side. “But she’s my sister.”

Penelope nods, though Josie can’t see it, and whispers, “Goodnight,” receiving a soft and content hum in reply.

She takes one last look at Josie and reaches over her to turn off the lights. She slides down into the covers, facing away from Josie - the arms wrapped around her only tightening as the warm body presses closer into her back. 

She stares into the darkness, having long memorised the shadows of all the familiar objects in their room. The framed artworks, the rocking chair that Caroline had gifted them when Less came home, the large board showing their weekly schedules, which they used for planning date nights and family days. 

And Penelope knows there’s nothing she can say that will make Josie change her mind, God knows she’s tried. 

But there’s also nothing that can change Penelope’s mind. 

She had decided weeks ago, and is just as sure now.

She’s going to risk everything for Lizzie Saltzman.

//

“Hurry up, everyone’s waiting.”

Penelope lifts her fingers off of her abdomen and quickly goes to button up her shirt. “Relax, I’m coming.”

“Oh, gross, I don’t need the whole show,” Hope says, though her eyes linger for a moment before she leaves the bedroom, muttering something about having seen it all already. 

Penelope comes down a few minutes later and, just as Hope had said, all four of them were waiting in the car; though, much more patiently than Hope, who starts beeping the horn incessantly.

When they enter the mall, Lizzie and Less immediately race towards the shops, both going in different directions. Penelope reaches her hand out, thinking that she should call out to them, but she knows it’s no use and drops it. 

“I’ve got the little one!” Hope says as she begins power walking in Lizzie’s direction, leaving Penelope and Josie alone in the middle of the plaza. 

“Those two are Less’ guardians if we die,” Penelope notes, mostly to herself. 

“I honestly think she would manage better by herself.” Josie laughs and they share a look before going after their daughter. 

//

Lizzie scoops a small amount of rice onto the spoon and holds it towards her mouth. She closes one eye and looks past the spoon at Less, who is minding her own business - concentrating hard on a puzzle sheet that the server had given her. Lizzie’s other hand lifts up and she uses it to pull back the head of the spoon while keeping the handle in place, effectively flicking the rice at Less. 

Less looks up from her crossword, now covered in rice, and frowns. She begins flicking the rice back at Lizzie, but her aim is a little off and everyone at the table ends up with some on their clothes.

Lizzie, being Lizzie, clearly takes it as a challenge and starts flicking it back, making an even bigger mess. 

Penelope, Josie, and Hope try to continue their conversation, but keep a close eye on the two of them. Penelope makes a mental note to leave an extra large tip when she sees them start taking turns trying to catch and throw food into the others’ mouth. 

Penelope tries to clean up the mess as much as possible before they leave, giving the employees an apologetic smile. 

As they wait for Josie to return from the bathroom, Less tells Penelope a few jokes that were written on the puzzle sheet and it makes her crack up, mostly at how awful they were, but Less looks like she just won an Academy Award for the non-existent category of Best Comedy, so she doesn’t say anything. Her gaze falls on Hope, a few metres away, who is gently comforting Lizzie’s stomach. 

When Josie comes out, Hope and Lizzie join them again.

“Lizzie’s not feeling too great so we might head home early.” Hope gestures towards Lizzie’s stomach. 

Josie seems extremely worried at the news. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing, really. Just a stomach ache, must have eaten something weird,” Hope brushes it off but Lizzie hugs her stomach in discomfort. 

And, Penelope doesn’t mention the fact that Lizzie had literally let her daughter throw food into her mouth - it doesn’t seem like it will help the situation. 

Less, being said daughter, decides to chime in instead. “That’s called karma, Aunt Hope!”

Lizzie moans from where she’s standing off to the side. “Ugh, I regret teaching you that word.”

“So, we’re going to head, but you two should stay,” Hope suggests, “We’ll take Less and you can go browse. Josie’s been bugging me all week about trying to find her a birthday gift.” She presses her hands to Less’ ears at that last sentence.

Josie looks more than concerned, but Hope seems very adamant. “Are you sure? Maybe I should take Lizzie home and we’ll call it a day.”

“No, Jo, I’m fine,” Lizzie insists, “Please, go find a present so you can stop nagging us.”

Josie hesitates for a moment before conceding. “Alright, fine, but call me immediately if you need anything.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Lizzie waves her hand at Josie and grabs both Less and Hope’s to turn to leave.

They all quickly say their goodbyes and once again, it’s just Penelope and Josie in the middle of the plaza. 

They start walking towards the opposite side of the mall, where Less’ favourite toy store is.

“So, when is Lizzie going to stop getting free passes?” Penelope smiles and raises her brows, to let Josie know that she’s not being serious. “She’s tormenting our poor child.”

Josie snorts softly. “Maybe when I know she’s okay for sure, and most likely when she finally kicks us out for constantly asking.”

“Hm, I can see her kicking _ you _ out, but Less? It’s honestly just free real estate for her.” Penelope chuckles and Josie smiles, nodding at the fact. “But you know that she’s alright. She’s been alright for over a year.” Penelope would never mention that Josie had been away for most of that time, nor does she blame her at all, but the thought is at the back of her mind. 

Josie sighs. “I always had a plane ticket ready, you know.” She looks away and down at the funky and worn out pattern of the floor tiles. “Just in case.”

Penelope nods in understanding; perhaps, _ too much _ understanding. “I’m glad you never had a reason to use it.”

Josie looks up at her, a sad smile on her face. “I had many.”

It hits hard, knowing that Josie would even consider coming back for her, even after everything... But Josie continues before she has a chance to say something, “Anyway, that’s all in the past. I miss my mum a lot, but I’m glad that I’m home.”

“Me too.” 

They finally reach the store and start browsing the endless aisles, grabbing random toys that they think are funny or interesting and enthusiastically showing them to each other. 

Penelope finds a few hand puppets and puts them on, giving them the goofiest voices she can act out. Josie cracks up loudly, yelling at Penelope to stop when her stomach begins to ache from laughing too hard. 

“Stop, you’re going to get us kicked out before we can find a gift!”

Penelope pouts and brings the puppet close to Josie’s face, the hand movements perfectly matching her silly voice. “Aw, but you’re so cute when you laugh.”

Josie immediately closes her mouth, trying not to laugh, and yanks the puppet off of Penelope’s hand. Penelope gasps in shock as she looks at her empty hand just floating there. “You killed her!”

“You’re such a kid.”

“Well, we _ are _ in a store _ for _ kids.”

“For _ our _ kid.”

“Same difference.”

Josie huffs and grabs Penelope’s elbow, dragging her down the aisle. “Come on, we need to find the perfect gift, and you were always better at making these decisions.”

And Penelope’s not sure if Josie’s running on some adrenaline high from all the laughing, but she hates to ruin it.

“Oh, yeah, about that... I already bought her a present,” Penelope says, slightly sheepish, and Josie pauses her walking, “weeks ago.”

“What? What have you been doing this whole time?” Josie looks like she feels bad for taking up Penelope’s time, so Penelope doesn’t tell her that she’s been finding ways to make her laugh. “You could’ve gone home with the others.”

Penelope shrugs. “It’s no big deal. I thought it might be nice to spend some time together.” She suddenly worries that Josie might take it the wrong way and quickly adds, “Plus, I need to find another gift that I can say was from Lizzie, for when she ultimately gives Less the weirdest gift that no child should have. I mean, who gives a kid a real _ sword _ for their birthday?”

Josie laughs, seeming to accept her excuse. “Alright, alright, that’s very true. I still don’t forgive her for giving Less that gum zapping toy.” She frowns a little. “I can’t even touch normal gum now.”

Penelope grins, holding back a laugh. “See? But don’t worry, I tried it on Lizzie a few weeks later and she immediately fell for it. If that makes you feel any better.”

Josie tries to keep her pouty face but she can’t help but giggle. “It really does.” Her hand, which hasn’t left Penelope’s elbow, begins tugging again. “Now help me, I’m freaking out about this gift.”

“Come on, she always loves every gift you give her.”

“That’s not helping!”

“Alright, okay, I’ll help,” Penelope caves, letting herself get dragged wherever it is that Josie’s going. 

And if she’s being honest, that sentiment will never not be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decisions… are made
> 
> i fucking hated that gum zapping toy, my older brother would do it to me all the time :-(
> 
> yesterday i learnt what a ‘run-on sentence’ was and it basically annihilated me so that was fun. english is very cool and makes sense to me. grammarly come get this sponsor
> 
> anyway, happy lunar new year to us gaysians and everybody else. it’s the day before my cat’s birthday, he’s turning 4!!!
> 
> and for my aussies.. #changethedate
> 
> hope everyone’s staying hydrated. it is very hot here. have a freakin good one!!


	9. you're better off without me

When Josie says she needs some time alone, for the first time in a long while, Penelope feels relief.

It's strange and twisted, but the hardest part was over. All she has to do now is live the rest of her life without the love of her life by her side. Easy. 

But even if they aren't together, at least Josie is still _ here_.

However, it also meant that _ Hope _is here. 

"What about Lizzie? You won't even stay for her?" Hope grabs the clothes out of Penelope's bag and begins throwing them on the floor.

Penelope calmly picks each one up again and folds it, setting them neatly back into the bag. "I- uh, I want to. But I can't, Hope, I really can't."

As soon as a single item of clothing is placed in, Hope snatches it up again and flings it towards the other side of the room. "Don't you start first-naming me. Josie has been at Lizzie’s for over a _ week _ now. Why aren't you trying to fix this? Where's your elaborate plan? We all make mistakes, _ Penelope. _ Why aren't you fighting for this? Why are you leaving?"

Penelope sighs, though really, she expects nothing less. "She doesn't want to see me. Shouldn't I respect that?"

“You have respected that! Now, why don’t you go talk to her!” Hope looks exasperated, walking aimlessly around the room, expressive arm movements as she tries to make sense of the situation. 

“You didn’t see how heartbroken she was. I _ caused _ that. I can’t just go back and beg for forgiveness. It’s not fair.”

“So, this is some kind of self punishment? Shouldn’t Josie be the one who gets to decide that?” Hope says, and Penelope stays silent, so she continues. “I’m not asking you to beg for anything. I’m just asking you to stay. To fight for it.”

Penelope had obviously slightly underestimated Hope’s reaction in her elaborate plan, but she improvises. “Look, we both know Josie doesn’t take this sort of thing lightly. Plus, she’s leaving soon, anyway. And I will not be the person who stands in the way of her dream job, her new life, her family...”

“You _ are _ her family! You and Less are her life… what are you not getting?”

Bringing Less into this is unfair, cruel, and Hope definitely knows that - knows exactly how to get under her skin. 

“I get it, Hope!” Penelope feels like she’s finally snapping so she tries to lower her voice, control the situation. “Don’t you think I know what I’m losing? That I haven’t asked myself the same questions a thousand times? I understand it all. Just let it go.”

Hope is silent as she stares at her, confounded. 

And Penelope isn’t sure if Hope believes any of it; she can’t expect her to, seeing as none of it was true.

Finally, Hope quietly asks, "Where will you go?"

Penelope just shrugs. "Not sure yet."

//

"Hey, I lost you, where'd you go?" Josie walks up to her as Penelope enters the living room, currently filled with children running around all corners and in and out. 

"Just went outside for a bit, needed some air." Penelope gives her a smile to let her know everything is alright. 

Josie smiles back before quickly pulling Penelope down behind the couch. “Well I’m glad that you’re back because we’re getting smashed and I really need you on my team.” She lifts up the _ Nerf _ gun that Penelope hadn’t noticed she was holding and hands it over. “I think Misses Birthday Girl is getting power-hungry with all those darts Lizzie bought her.”

Just as Josie says that, they both hear a loud and familiar laugh, though much more wicked than usual, before the sound of the plastic blaster fires off multiple times. 

“Oh god, what has she done to our sweet daughter.” Penelope laughs, but Josie quickly moves closer to her and covers her mouth with her hand.

“Shh, the kids will find us,” Josie whispers, then pouts slightly, “and those bullet things actually kinda hurt, but these maniacs don’t even care.”

So, Penelope stays silent, not that she has much choice. But Josie’s really close and it’s sort of making it hard to breath. 

After their impromptu shopping trip last month, Josie seems to have gotten much more comfortable around her, no longer holding back on words or actions. And as much as Penelope is enjoying it, whatever their new relationship is, she still keeps an arms length and tries not to delve too deep into it. 

And true to her word, Lizzie has been a huge help, checking up on her a few times each week since the previous incident. However, Penelope’s now had to hold back on the texting, after getting blocked on multiple occasions for constantly sending lovesick messages about Josie, among other things. 

_ ‘Do you remember when we were in school and Josie saved that baby bird.’ _

_ ‘It’s 1am.’ _

_ ‘Remember when she was crying because she thought they had died.’ _

_ ‘Remember when I would get a peaceful night’s sleep.’ _

_ ‘Say hi to Hope for me.’ _

_ ‘[The number you have reached is no longer in service or has been disconnected.]’ _

Josie pops her head up over the couch and looks around the room, which was now eerily absent of the previous chaotic screaming. “Alright, I think we’re safe, let’s go find-”

“Found them!” Lizzie screams, as both her and Hope jump on top of the couch. They start showering Josie and Penelope with darts, laughing hysterically as the two try to escape. Less joins in when they reach the hallway, blasting the darts at her mums, not even hesitating for a second. 

Josie and Penelope scramble up the stairs and finally make it to Lizzie’s room, locking the door behind them. They’re both giggling uncontrollably, leaning against the door as they try to catch their breath. 

“Wow, those actually do hurt,” Penelope says, slumping her head back onto the door, “how do they let kids play with those.”

Josie mirrors her and rolls her head to the side to face her. “I don’t know but we _ have _ to hide them as soon as Less falls asleep.” 

Just then they hear a soft meow and turn to look at Lizzie’s bed, where Mr Snuggles is curled up in the pillows, safe from the havoc outside. 

“Oh, baby!” Penelope walks over to the bed and lies down to pet him. 

Josie just chuckles and watches them, not moving any closer. She seems a bit sad, or maybe just contemplative. “Alright, you stay safe in here. I need to go get the cake ready.” 

Penelope nods solemnly and gives her a salute. “Good luck out there. Cover those pretty eyes.”

“Shut it.” Josie rolls said eyes. 

“That’s what I just said.”

“Ugh, you’re so annoying.” Josie huffs, trying not to smile, and opens the door to leave. “It’s your fault if I fall down the stairs.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time!” 

All Penelope gets in return is a soft groan and a slammed door. 

“She’s so rude, isn’t she?” Penelope sighs to the cat, purring among the fifty different pillows that Lizzie keeps on her bed. “I hate how much I love her.” 

The cat gives her a small squeak. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t.”

After a few more minutes of catching up, she decides to get up from the bed and back to the party downstairs. Unsurprisingly, as she does, she feels a flash of sharp pain in her abdomen. 

She walks over to Lizzie’s vanity and starts to unbutton her shirt. The long scar curving across her left side is exposed and she touches it lightly, running her fingertips along it. It looks slightly bruised, more than usual. 

Also unusual was the pain that she hadn’t felt in months, not since she and Josie had begun to rebuild their relationship. Even before then, it only ever really happened when she let herself agonise over Josie.

Before she has time to ruminate any further, she hears a voice behind her.

"It was you."

//

Everything is in place.

Hope’s somewhat convinced and won't ask questions.

Josie's leaving for Europe with Less as soon as possible.

And, most importantly, both Lizzie and Josie are going to be perfectly fine.

Physically, at least.

Penelope searches for the clothes that Hope had tossed all over her room the previous day and neatly folds it back into her bag. 

She’s almost finished when she receives a text message from Lizzie. 

_ ‘You're late.’ _

Penelope doesn't bother explaining exactly why and sends off a quick reply. _ ‘Sorry, still packing.’ _

_ ‘But I'm starving.’ _

_ ‘And what am I? Chopped liver?’ _Penelope snorts quietly at her own joke. 

_ ‘Ha-ha, very funny. Please come soon before Josie burns this place down.’ _

_ ‘On my way.’ _

Penelope places the postcards on top of her clothes before zipping the bag shut. She shoulders it and runs downstairs, taking one last look around the house - at the framed photos, the unframed photos, and the sentimental knick-knacks. 

The cab in front of the house waits for her and she greets the driver before settling in. 

"Mystic Falls Private Hospital, please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow a hospital, very original & unique 😎
> 
> anyway, just gonna drop some stuff in chapter 10 so uhhh start taking ur mental bets or something … all i can say is: i..don’t know
> 
> every week it’s almost friday (the day i like to post) and i’m like yeah this ain’t happening, and then it’s thursday night and we bang it out, proof read it on the train in the morning, post it, and end up an hour late to work. hilarious. 
> 
> i finally got around to watching fleabag season 2 and when they said winnie the pooh… wow. powerful. 
> 
> hope everyone is staying clean and safe with the outbreak & have a great week !!


	10. but i'm scared, not evil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sax is the most important part, rest is just filler

“Her condition’s getting worse.”

Josie sighs, and Penelope, unsure of how to comfort someone who could lose a loved one, swallows a nervous breath. Examining the window, she continues; “They said she's moderately high on the list, but there’s still so many people waiting - in more severe circumstances.”

Penelope looks into the room where Lizzie lies asleep in the bed, surrounded by those closest to her. She feels the love, concern, and care radiating from the space, even from the outside, and it's so foreign to her, as if she’s intruding on another family’s intimate moment. 

She reaches for Josie’s hand and they both stand side by side, watching from the hospital corridor as Hope paces around inside the room, like there’s an incessant itch under her skin and no means of relieving it.

“Hope’s going mad... she's angry that she's not a match.” Josie’s nervousness is apparent in her words and the way she’s voicing all the things she knows to be true - as if hearing the words out loud will keep the negative and melodramatic musings at bay. 

Penelope remains quiet, her own thoughts slowly taking over - hopefully taking away some of her wife’s. But she leans in closer to Josie, hoping her presence will provide some sort of solace. Josie relaxes into her side, resting her head on Penelope’s.

“We're going to find a solution, we have to.” Josie sounds sure, decided. 

Penelope gives her hand an affectionate squeeze, but the feeling of helplessness and fear begins to consume her.

She turns to face Josie and there’s an unmistakable expression on her face. She’s seen it before - it was one of the looks that catalysed their beginnings. And now, it’s a look that will catalyse their end.

She can already tell what Josie’s implying, knows what Josie has been thinking about. 

And Josie voices it - a thing she knows to be true.

“Even if that solution is me."

//

When Penelope wakes up to the monotonous sound of the cardiac monitor, she finds herself alone.

A familiar nurse walks in when they realise Penelope’s conscious. 

“Good morning, Mrs Saltzman-Park.” Penelope mentally winces at the soon-to-be misnomer. “The operation went well and as planned. Miss Saltzman wanted you to know that she is in a stable condition.”

Penelope exhales, relaxing back into the bed. “Thank you for letting me know.”

The nurse begins to do a small check up on her vital signs and reactions. “Is there someone you would like us to call? We removed your wife as your emergency contact as requested but we can notify her, if you’d like.”

Penelope looks away, down at the bed sheets. “No, that’s fine, I have someone picking me up when I’m cleared to leave. But could you just let Miss Saltzman know that I’m okay as well - and please don’t mention my name, if that’s alright.”

The nurse agrees, giving her one last smile, before leaving her alone once again.

Penelope pulls the covers off of her and looks down at the gown. She slowly pulls it up, revealing the bandages. Her eyes and hands study the area - once unblemished, now permanently changed.

She feels the loss, the majority of it not physical. 

It seems to come all at once, but it persists even after.

A feeling of absence. 

Of emptiness.

She supposes there’s no turning back, nor any point in mulling over it.

The only way was to look forward. 

But, tired from _ everything, _ she decides now is not the time.

So, she shuts her eyes again.

//

“It was you.”

“Jesus fuck, Mikaelson, give a girl a warning would you.”

Hope closes the door that Penelope hadn’t even heard opening. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? That Less pretends to let you help her with her maths homework to make you feel useful, even though she already knows all the answers and is better at maths than you?”

“First of all, what the fuck? That’s not true. Second, stop changing the subject.” Hope pauses, and then slowly, in such a way that there was no room for misinterpretation, _ “You _ were the anonymous donor.”

Penelope falters, wonders if denying it further will work. “The only thing I anonymously donate is fashion tips to your-”

“Lizzie has the exact same scar.”

Well, shit.

She gives it one last go, though she knows it’s just delaying the inevitable. “Is this your way of finally telling me that you’re sleeping together?”

“What- no, we’re not-, I’m-, you’re doing it again!” Hope throws her hands up in frustration.

It’s slightly hypocritical - denial can be a vicious river, easy to be consumed by - but she supposes they’re both on the same boat.

So perhaps there’s some hesitation in speaking the truth, a silence as Penelope tries to consider the consequences of telling Hope. 

“Yes, we’re together,” Hope suddenly admits. “Your turn.”

“Well, by the way you opened that door without making a sound… I could’ve guessed that myself.”

Hope raises a brow, unamused, and Penelope yields, tired of the lie. “Alright, fine. Yes, it was me.”

And, instantaneously, Hope does not look happy. “You lied to me!” 

“Everyone was going to let Josie do it! What was I supposed to do?” The exasperation that she’s kept bottled up for far too long starts to crack at the neck. 

Hope crosses her arms, seething but composed. “You could have told me.” 

“I didn’t want you to have something to hide from her!” Penelope sighs. “It already feels sick lying to her every day.” 

Hope’s shoulders relax slightly and her sharp expression wavers. “I never believed that holiday accident crap. You would have called me immediately to come get you.” She’s not wrong. “And when I saw you the other day, before we went to the mall, I knew something was up... But I _ especially _ didn’t believe that cheating bullshit. It never made any sense.”

Penelope shrugs, looking away. “I had to tell her something... and your mind gets clouded when you’re angry and hurt. So, somehow it made sense to Josie.”

“Well, you know how she feels about cheating.”

“I know.” Penelope nods once. “That’s why I chose it.”

Hope just stares, nonplussed. “Why didn’t you tell her.”

“She made it very clear that she didn’t want me to do it, and I went against it all and did it anyway,” Penelope explains. “She would have never forgiven me.”

Hope’s brows furrow. “But she would forgive cheating?”

“Okay, maybe forgiveness _ wasn’t _ the goal. But I needed her to be sure about leaving.” Penelope slowly shakes her head. “I didn’t want any doubt, or for her to be on the fence just because I helped Lizzie.” All she can manage is a half-hearted one-shoulder shrug. “And she knows that I know how she feels about cheating and wouldn’t lie about it... It was a sure thing - she wouldn’t need to debate for even a second about whether or not to leave. And you _ know _ I needed her to leave.”

For a long moment, Hope is quiet, contemplative. 

Finally, she sighs and gives Penelope a small nod. “I won’t tell her.” She turns her head, looking behind at the closed door before turning back. “But you have to. It’s not fair for her not to know.”

“I can’t, I-”

“You know it’s wrong. She deserves to know.”

Penelope just sighs, knowing that she agrees with Hope - always has, even if she doesn’t want to. 

“I’ll think about it.” Whether or not it’s a lie, Penelope can’t even tell; especially now that her and Josie were on better terms.

“That’s all I ask,” Hope says, before turning and walking towards the door. Penelope pauses, needing a moment to collect her thoughts, then quickly catches up with her. 

Hope seems pensive as they walk back towards the party, as if something serious is bugging her. She pauses when they reach the top of the stairs. “Wait, you’re the one who sends me those anonymous emails on how to dress better?”

Penelope just gives her a smile before running down the stairs, ignoring Hope’s vocal train of realisation. 

She finds Josie in the kitchen alone, quietly putting candles on the cake - complete concentration on the task.

“I can’t believe how old she is now.” 

Josie startles a little, but gives Penelope a smile when she quickly realises who it is. “Yeah,” she chuckles, face wistful, “wasn’t she literally just a baby yesterday?”

“And not pelting us with darts? Yeah, I miss that.” Penelope snickers and they share a prolonged gaze, reminiscent.

“Come here?” Josie suddenly asks, a cheeky smile on her face.

“Are we still doing this?” Penelope raises a brow.

“Please? For old times’ sake?” Josie tries. “We’re old now and apparently that means we don’t get cakes for our birthdays.”

“If I recall correctly - and I do - you never wanted a cake for your birthday.”

“Just shush and come over here.”

Penelope rolls her eyes, but walks over anyway. “Are you sure about this?”

Josie hesitates for a second before nodding, confident. “It’s bad luck if we don’t.” 

Penelope’s not sure if she believes that; but also, they missed it last year, since Josie was away (and not speaking to her), and Penelope had potentially the worst year of her life, so maybe there’s some truth to it. 

She grabs a spoon and Josie does the same. “If you say so.”

They both take a scoop out of the untainted cake and turn to face each other. Though, Penelope’s still hesitant. “We can just do it our-”

“Just stop thinking so much and hand over the cake.” Josie moves her spoon towards Penelope’s mouth and Penelope quickly does the same, slightly taken aback by Josie’s demanding demeanor.

They both open their mouths and feed each other the cake, arms somewhat entwined, before pulling away the spoon.

And maybe it had always reminded Penelope of their wedding day, which was maybe why she had loved doing it each year. Maybe, she wonders if Josie is thinking the same.

She stops herself from moving in afterwards to give Josie a kiss - something so automatic that it almost hurts to pull back - now just another thing that was added to the list of broken six-year (or longer) traditions. She sees Josie glance down at her lips and lean in ever so minutely before remembering herself. 

Instead, Josie just smiles, lifts her brows once, then picks up the cake and leaves her behind in the kitchen.

And if Penelope’s being honest, Josie has never been so confusing to her. It, to put it simply, was making less and less sense. 

When it’s time to sing _ Happy Birthday, _ Penelope sees Less looking at the blemished edges of the cake, and then at Josie, and then directly at Penelope, giving her a smart-arsed smile. 

Penelope quickly looks away, cursing herself for her observant daughter, and tries to ignore the strange heat building in her face. 

She finally finds a moment alone with her daughter, cuddled up on the couch, while everyone else is quietly enjoying the cake. She has her own slice, but she can’t seem to find it in her to eat it too. 

“Lucky number 8, huh, kiddo?” 

Less smiles up at her and Penelope’s heart conceivably melts. “Yep, I hope so. I need it for my big birthday wish.”

Penelope hums, feels like she already knows what Less had used her wish for, and looks across the room at Josie, chatting animatedly with Lizzie and Hope. And it might seem silly and juvenile but she doesn't ask what it is, in case it doesn't come true.

Less giggles, catching Penelope in the act, and gives her a hug before running off to play with her friends again.

Penelope just watches after her, once again nostalgic for the days when Less wasn’t such a smarty-pants.

A minute later, Josie joins her on the couch, smiling about something.

“Hope is sour because she lost the _ Nerf _ war.” Josie laughs and Penelope gazes over to Hope, who is sending a glare in their general direction. “Who even knows where she disappeared off to.” 

Penelope just smiles back at Josie, feeling slightly guilty, knowing that Hope couldn’t care less about their game and was preoccupied by other thoughts. 

When they get around to opening presents, Less all but screams as soon as she unwraps the saxophone that Penelope gifts her. 

Months ago, Penelope had caught her looking up information about the instrument on a laptop that she had left open on the dining room table. Then, Less has begun borrowing books from the library about the detailed history and playing charts. And when they had walked by the music shop, Less has always seemed particularly interested, lingering around the window so long that Penelope had to run back when she realised that Less had stopped walking. 

So, if Penelope could take a hint at all, she placed all her bets on this one. 

The way Less immediately puts it together, screwing on the mouthpiece and ligature like a pro, and attempts to go off on it, blasting everyone’s ears up close and personal, was proof enough that she was right. 

Later, after Less finally calms down enough to open the rest of her presents, Penelope pulls her aside to give her one of the matching bracelets that she had made in her spare time, using one of the craft books that Less owns. A simple threaded friendship bracelet, but Less seems to love it and puts it on immediately.

Josie gifts Less a set of books that she had wanted - about some witches or whatnot - as well as a small handheld instant camera, a few packs of film, and some photo frames.

And, with Less’ persuasion, they take their first family photo in years.

If Penelope asks Lizzie to discreetly take two photos and pockets the other one when no one’s looking, that’s none of anyone’s business. 

Less also gets a post letter from Caroline, wishing her granddaughter a happy birthday and gifting her tickets for something that Less refuses to tell anyone about. 

Afterwards, everyone breaks off again to settle down for a peaceful afternoon. The children, exhausted from running around all day, now lazily chatting and playing around with a few of Less’ presents. The adults, in their own small groups, just glad to be outside of their homes and having the opportunity to talk to other adults. 

But there’s so much happiness and love and contentment in one room that Penelope almost feels overwhelmed. 

And maybe she feels guilty for enjoying what was in front of her, knowing that it was somewhat built on lies and she doesn’t deserve it - at least not like this. She knows she has to do _ something _ and, by the look on Hope’s face, soon - whether or not that is telling Josie the truth, she remains unsure.

But between the friends and family that were gathered under the one roof, Less' loud awful saxophone playing, and a vacant reservoir that had been growing inside her for almost two years, waiting to be filled... 

Penelope _ finally _ begins to feel whole again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that middle and last scene were initially placed the other way around but then i was like, nah
> 
> welp, the bat's out of the cag.  
let's just say i broke 85% of this plot after two bottles of wine… 🥴  
but honestly, it is what it is. be critical, be honest
> 
> and let me know if i’ve committed a university’s worst offence. aka plagiarism.  
so i can then read that story and plagiarise how tf they got themselves out of this
> 
> so. one of my majors is cell pathology and i’ve been working at the hospital so idk.. might as well use it... possibly weird, but something to explore...
> 
> also, not sure if anyone is actually interested in my replies to your comments but i haven't replied yet to last weeks since some of yall legit guessed it (for the most part) and i laughed. very cool. i will reply soon tho!
> 
> on a serious note: (small spoiler)  
it's a kinda very consequential situation, i will not be playing it off lightly. the weight of the decision will be explored as much as i can - we’re talking like 5 pages of notes in my docs. obviously there is much more to the story than this - penelope's reasoning is /not/ simply because she doesn't want to ‘hold back’ josie. but please let me know if you feel anything's not being taken with an appropriate gravity
> 
> ultimately, it's subjective (i think 😳). it's not black and white, 100% good or bad. i, myself, fluctuated so much between thinking it was insanely wrong and thinking that it was the right or “ethical” thing to do (using this term so so loosely) and, even though i've had weeks to think about this, i am still not certain.  
so.. i guess, just think about it…… 
> 
> and binge the good place while you’re at it.
> 
> this was long as fuck
> 
> anyway, this week Miss Americana's Untouchable got added to my writing playlist for no other reason than I had never heard it before and discovered it while looking for songs for my smooth jazz playlist
> 
> hope everyone is doing well, i got some sleep so it’s been good here (i only took one single nap break at work this week) :-) 
> 
> seeya
> 
> p.s. i’m only 30 minutes late as i write this rn 🤠


	11. i've come to the land of the free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i'm literally so late for work rn

When she had asked Josie if she wanted to sneak out to see a band they both liked, she really didn’t think Josie would accept. 

But now, watching as Josie dances to the beat - her face covered in a light sheen of sweat, the reflection of the stage lights giving her a glow - nothing has ever looked more natural. 

Penelope moves along with her, consciously taking no notice of the performance they came to see. 

Over the past few months, albeit the most bewildering and disconcerting, their friendship had grown quite considerably and Penelope, for reasons unknown, seems to still be left unsatisfied no matter how close they get.

“You’re really not worried your dad’s going to catch us?”

“It’s cool, he won’t notice.”

“He won’t notice that his whole daughter has gone missing?”

Josie just nods, not giving any further explanation, and focusses back on the band. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Josie’s dad spent more time on his job than with his children, but how exactly she feels about the issue remains one. And, to her own confusion, Penelope begins to wonder if Josie feels neglected or cheated - but that’s a conversation for another day. 

Right now, Penelope can’t seem to take her eyes off of her; it’s almost impossible to think about anyone who could ever hurt that face. 

Josie turns to face her when the band starts playing one of the songs that made her want to come. Her excitement is palpable as she yells about how much she loves the song, and Penelope, already aware, just yells back in agreement with an equal amount of vivacity. 

They move in sync, hearts beating to the high tempo of the loud snare, enjoying the freedom of being outside of the secluded boarding house. 

When the people behind her start getting more rowdy, Josie takes a few steps closer, unabashed as she gazes back at Penelope. 

And, evidently, it results in close proximities - their bodies much too close, their faces much too close. 

Truthfully, Penelope has never wanted so badly to close a closeness. 

And, as if the last remaining thread in her mental lasso of self-control breaks, she leans in just that minute distance further, if only to additionally break the intense and torturous eye contact that she knows will be haunting her dreams for the next few weeks. 

Though, when their lips meet, she quickly pulls back when she realises what exactly she’s doing.

“Shit, sorry.”

Josie looks somewhat surprised, searching for something in Penelope’s eyes, before placing her hand on the back of Penelope’s neck and pulling her in for another kiss.

When Josie breaks away, her surprised face is replaced with a lazy smile and hooded eyes. She leans in, close to Penelope’s ear, “I’m only sorry we didn’t do this earlier.”

She laughs and quickly moves away again when the band starts playing another song she loves, her shouts drowning in the crowd. 

And seeing Josie let go this way; so carefree, so pure, strong, unbothered… 

It's simple, premature, and ulterior, but Penelope only has one single thought.

_ She is everything. _

//

When Less tells them that the mysterious tickets are for a concert, Penelope and Josie immediately share a look. 

Their eyes widen in a manner unperceptive to anyone but each other; mainly because, why in the world did Caroline give an 8-year old concert tickets, but also because… well.

Josie stares blankly at Less. “Grandma gave you tickets to see a concert?”

“Yep,” Less says, popping the ‘p’ as casually as she had popped the question.

“And you want to take us?” Penelope asks, not sure how to feel about it. 

“Uhuh.” Less walks through the front door, drops her bag to the side, and throws herself onto the couch. 

Penelope and Josie follow her, exchanging bewildered glances, and sit on either side of the couch. 

“Honey, wouldn’t you enjoy this more with your friends?” 

“Nah, they’re not really interested in classical music.”

“Oh, that kind of concert.” Penelope feels relief for a moment, but then realises that she actually has to attend this as well, and she sends Josie a (mostly) jokey panicked look. “Wait, you’re  _ sure _ you want us to come?” 

Josie hits her lightly on the arm for attempting to get out of it and Penelope just smiles at her, lifting her brows and shrugging. 

“Don’t listen to her, darling, we’d love to accompany you,” Josie turns to Penelope, “wouldn’t we?”

Penelope nods exaggeratedly, “Yes. It sounds thrilling.” Josie looks like she’s trying not to laugh.

“It really does!” Less replies, excitement on her face, words ever so genuine. 

And even though she jokes, Penelope would honestly go anywhere and put up with anything for Less. 

Hope walks in a second later, because apparently she lives here. “Less! Is it my week already?” She turns to look at Penelope. “Why does your mum look like that?”

“That’s just her face.”

“Less is taking us to a concert next weekend.”

Less and Josie reply at the same time.

“Oh, a concert…?” Hope raises her brows, giving them both a knowing look.

“Yes, an orchestra concert.” 

_ “Oh.” _ Hope laughs, realisation taking over her face, then looks at Penelope. “Makes sense.”

Penelope’s grateful that Hope doesn’t directly out her to Less, not wanting her daughter to think that she wouldn’t enjoy it or that it was any sort of burden.

Hope instantly perks up again. “Wow, this would be a great opportunity to  _ hear new things. _ Wouldn't it?”

Penelope immediately takes back her previous mental statement - this is so much worse. Hope had been nagging her for days since she found out the truth, trying to push her to tell Josie. It’s been making it hard to think properly and clearly, but Hope makes some very convincing points. 

Though, really, the only thing standing in Penelope’s way was her own fear; the fear that, inevitably, once again, she will lose  _ everything.  _

//

“I just don’t get why we have to practice this, you could  _ literally _ do this in your sleep - which, by the way, is what I want to be doing right now.”

“I just want to get it right.”

Josie puts on some old classical song and Penelope groans, mindlessly taking Josie’s outstretched hands regardless. They begin practicing the routine, so familiar that it’s basically second nature, the steps perfectly timed and coming effortlessly. 

“Stop acting like you’re too good for classical music.”

“Ugh, the things I do for your sister.”

“Oh, you’re doing this for Lizzie, are you?” Josie teases, lifting a questioning brow. 

“Well, aren’t you as well?”

“Yeah, but I’m her sister. You’re just her weird frenemy thing.”

_ “Best _ frenemy thing.”

“No, I’m pretty sure that’s Hope.”

“Hurtful.”

_ “I’m _ your best frenemy, remember? That’s why you’re doing this for  _ me.” _

“I hardly even know you.”

“Oh, really?”

Josie slowly moves her face closer and Penelope already knows she’s going to lose whatever this unspoken battle is. Penelope physically cannot resist - she honestly can’t think of a single circumstance in which she  _ would _ refuse - so she leans in.

Right before their lips touch, Josie pulls away.

“Woah, woah, we hardly even know each other.”

Penelope just rolls her eyes, stops their movements, and shushes her with a kiss. 

They pull away and Penelope loses herself the eyes that have been blessing her dreams for months.

After a moment, she rests her head against Josie’s shoulder and they simply sway slowly to the music, forgetting about the dance routine. 

They hold each other close in the empty boarding house room and honestly, Penelope thinks she wants to never let her go. 

//

They meet up near the venue, everyone dressed formally. Josie gives her a laboured once-over as Penelope walks towards them, and it’s unmentioned - but noted. 

They head towards the concert hall, with Less holding both their hands and trying to jump and swing while being held in the air, like she had always done when she was a couple years younger - and several kilograms lighter. 

“Wait, how did my mum know Less was into this if it’s just a recent interest? I haven’t spoken to her about it.” Josie seems genuinely confused, and perhaps Penelope thinks it’s time to start small with the truths. 

“I, um, we still talk sometimes,” Penelope admits, slightly sheepish, unsure of how Josie will react to the news. “Mainly so she can check up on Less,” she quickly adds, for safety. 

It had taken much discussion and convincing, but Lizzie had managed to not get Caroline to absolutely despise her, telling her mum that there were  _ certain reasons _ and to not mention it to Josie. But Caroline had mainly agreed due to Lizzie pulling out the sick card, which she had said she only uses for good causes. 

Josie just nods, but it’s obvious that she has more questions now than before. 

They settle into their seats and relax into the night, letting the orchestra compose them. Less hums along to each note, and Penelope thinks she enjoys that more than the symphony itself. And perhaps Penelope actually likes it - has liked it for a while now - but she’s still going to refuse to admit it. 

She hears the beginning notes of a familiar tune and looks over at Josie, who’s staring so intensely at the stage. Her eyes look glossy, but that just might be from the reflection of the dim spotlights overhead, or perhaps she feels moved by the beautifully-composed piece.

Penelope feels a vibration in her pocket and she knows it’s the same person who’s been texting her all week and all night, telling her something she already knows. 

They go to a local restaurant for dinner and the atmosphere is nice and quiet, allowing Penelope to think clearly. Less had decided to purchase one of the orchestra’s composition books that were being sold outside with some money she had received from her birthday and reads it intensely at the table.

Josie mentions her job in Europe, and Penelope nods along for the most part, unsure if they're comfortable enough to ask everything she wants to know, but taking anything she can get. And Josie doesn't seem as hurt talking about it anymore, but Penelope could recognise her microexpressions from a kilometre away. 

They talk very briefly about their feelings from during and after the separation and, though it’s hardly deep nor elaborate, it makes Penelope hesitant to hurt her again. But really, she knows that she’s currently still doing as such, whether or not it’s masked by a beguiling layer of protectiveness.

Afterwards, they decide it would be nice to take a leisurely stroll in the nearby park bordered by the river; a good way to end a good night. 

Less is instantly drawn to the violinist busking on the open walkway and Penelope wonders who exactly she gets it from, having already had enough of the music herself. Though, when she realises that they’re just simply playing covers of old songs, she supposes it’s quite nice. 

While Less is enjoying herself, Josie and Penelope lean against railing overlooking the water, arms pressing against each other. The song currently playing sounds familiar, but Penelope wouldn’t be able to name it. 

It’s calm, and peaceful… until she feels a buzzing in her pocket which makes her turn to face Josie. 

Taking a deep breath, she speaks quietly. “I don't know if I ever said this properly, but I'm sorry for everything I did.”

“I betrayed your trust, and I hurt you… something I never wanted to do.” Penelope furrows her brows, shaking her head slowly. “I was terrified and acted in the worst way possible.”

“But most of all, I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you're not enough.” It's hard to say even this truth. She takes a quick moment to collect herself and then shrugs slightly. “Because, you're everything.”

Josie just looks at her, always searching for something; the sincerity of the words, a hint of a lie, an anachronism. And Penelope’s crushed that she’s the reason for this, but this is one thing that she’s not afraid of - knowing that she means every word, even if Josie thinks it’s about something else. 

Unexpectedly, she sees Josie look down at her lips and, ever so slightly, lean in. Penelope pauses, unsure how to react. Josie seems to take that as a cue to move in further and Penelope’s breath hitches. 

But, before she can inevitably make a bad decision, Penelope turns away towards the river. “We should get going, Less is probably driving away all that poor man's business.” Penelope laughs - it’s slightly forced, she knows Josie can tell - and looks over at Less dancing uninhibitedly to the music. 

And she’s unsure if Josie would have actually kissed her, but even just the thought of it feels wrong.

But there really was no choice anymore. The decision was straightforward and suddenly so simple, regardless of how much Hope - and her own subconscious - has been shouting at her about it. 

If she ever wants a future with Josie - and she does, so desperately - she’s going to have to tell her the truth. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is v day here so why tf not have a nice time
> 
> all your comments last week were… very nice :’)
> 
> some notes, my thinking: (once again, this is long as fuck)  
\- first, THANK U for sharing your thoughts. i've been thinking bout this since ch2, when I realised that I actually needed a plot and why the fuck did I start this story w/o actually knowing what had happened. so finally being able to see someone else's viewpoint after all this time was very cool  
\- yes, certain details about the situation have been omitted. i feel some things deserve their own scene, rather than just being thrown around in a shouting match. and, difficult things kinda just work like that, you learn things along the way, you change perspectives or you solidify existing one etc. etc.. i don't fucking know, i'm not a writer  
\- but please know I am not trying to push anyone's side or convince you to agree with anyone, that decision is yours to make and super ok whatever it is. but obviously, this is written from penelope's pov, so her side of the story will be bound to be explored more than josie's (tho josie's pov will of course be felt as well)  
\- needless to say, everyone's opinion is shaped by their own experiences, and that's kinda really great and important. so those of you who are 'sold', very interesting. those of u not sold, very interesting.  
\- and ok believe me, i /know/ it's a fucken weird plot (have u like, seen the shit i write…), but like, do u care?? does that matter?? we're all about the Choices and Consequences here :-)  
-tldr: however you feel is good and valid and thank you very very much for sharing
> 
> fun fact! to work out this plotline i have a mess of notes in my google doc, onenote, iphone notes, and handwritten notes from when i’m confused at work. and i do not know what notes are where so the fun of the fun fact is that i lose my mind every once in a while when i try to find a line i’ve written in one of these places and begin to wonder if i simply just imagined that i had written it down.  
spoilers, it’s always in the handwritten ones.
> 
> anyway, today’s my last day at work, which means i won’t be 9 to 5 anymore and it might mess with my posting schedule so, i guess we’ll have to see how it goes when uni starts again lol. hopefully i’ll be able to keep up this weekly thing but i gotta do my thesis so uhhh, IDK...
> 
> HAVE WEEK, BYE!!


	12. though i'm young and stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all filler, no killer. literally

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

“But _ only _ because everyone would be lost without me,” Lizzie jokes half-heartedly, though the light gloss over her eyes betrays her. 

Penelope laughs, but it immediately turns into a choked sob.

Lizzie rubs her shoulder, her best offer of comfort. “Hey, it’ll be fine, she’ll understand…”

Penelope shakes her head. “That’s the problem. She’ll understand. But I still would have broken her trust and taken away her choice... And I don’t want her to feel like she owes me something. She deserves a reason to be angry, even if it’s a stupid lie.” She furrows her brows and shrugs slightly, needing at least one other person to understand. “This isn’t some selfless, do-gooder favour - there are serious consequences. And it’s awful and irrational, but I have to hurt her in order to not have her hurt.”

Lizzie’s quiet, mulling over the words. “You don’t have to do this... I’ll hang around for longer.” She gives Penelope a sympathetic one-sided smile, not looking like she believes even herself. 

“You know I have to.” Penelope sighs. “I just don’t know how I’m going to tell her and Hope.”

“Don’t worry about Hope, I’ve got you covered - even if it’s a bit unbelievable that _ two _ people would want you at the same time.” Lizzie looks her up and down in what she can only describe as disgust.

Penelope laughs. “I’m literally about to give you a part of my liver.”

“Oh god, I really didn’t think this through. I’m going to have a part of _ you _ in _ me.” _ The face of distaste only gets more intense. 

Penelope gives her a shit-eating grin. “Aw, like those friendship necklaces that fit into each other.”

Lizzie gags, causing Penelope to crack up laughing, before they both fall back into a silence. 

They turn their heads to look at each other on the bed.

Lizzie gives her a reassuring smile. “It’ll blow over…”

“I’m not so sure about that… and I don’t know how bad it’ll get, but I’m prepared for the worst - whatever that means.”

Lizzie seems like she knows exactly where Penelope’s mind goes. “It won’t come to that. She loves you.”

“She can’t, not after this.”

“You really don’t know the extent of her love. Trust me, even if she hates you, it’s still there.”

“It’s just hard to love someone when they do everything you’re so against.”

“It’s also just hard to forget what you two have…” 

Penelope finds it just hard not to cry. And even if Lizzie is right… it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“I’m going to be in a dark place.” There’s no complaint, just fact. 

Lizzie places her hand over Penelope’s. “And I’ll be there.”

“Less is going to be hurt.” Penelope lets out a quiet pained sob. 

Lizzie nods, gives her hand a comforting squeeze, and sighs. “You really don’t-”

“I swear, if you say that one more time, I will gladly kick-off the operation right here, right now.”

“Alright, jeez, message received.”

“And you’re not allowed to treat me differently, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, and I’m not allowed to thank you or anything, I got it.” Lizzie gets up from the bed and looks over at the tag. “This bed kinda sucks.”

Penelope chuckles, wipes any stray tears, and sits up as well. “Yeah, it’s hurting just to lie down.”

Maybe that's not purely the bed's fault, but the staff member nearby was giving them a dirty look so it was time to move on anyway.

They both get off and walk over to the next display bed in the store. Lizzie seems quite nonchalant for someone in her position, but it’s probably just the freedom of being outside of the hospital for once. Penelope jumps onto the bed and instantly melts into the mattress, feeling warm and comforted. 

Lizzie does the same, albeit more careful, and groans at the feeling. “I still don’t understand why you need a new bed, since Josie literally smells like nothing, but you _ have _ to get this one.”

“I told you, it’s for the guest room. There’s no way I’d get rid of our bed, but also, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in it for a while, so…” Penelope sighs, already imagining and preparing herself for the literal and metaphorical nightmare. 

Lizzie turns her head to look over at her. “Hey, once it’s over, we can tell her everything and all will be fine.”

Penelope shakes her head, pushes herself onto her elbows, and turns to look down at Lizzie. 

“No.” She swallows a breath, already mentally packing for her upcoming guilt trip.

“She can never know about this.”

//

“I have to tell her.”

“No shit,” Hope answers, not asking for any context after having just picked up the phone - not that any was required. 

“Shit, how was I this stupid? Why haven’t I told her already?” Penelope feverishly paces the empty house, her phone on loudspeaker, so that _Hope_ can fill the room. 

“You two are in a good place, it’s understandable that you didn’t want to do anything to ruin that,” Hope unexpectedly offers some logic. “Also, you’re a dumbass.”

“Yeah, I know.” Penelope huffs. 

“Speaking of, she told me about the other night… she feels a bit rejected after putting herself on the line like that again.”

Penelope groans, “That’s the opposite of helping right now.”

Though they had quickly recovered afterwards and, for the most part, pretended that it never happened, the awkwardness that had momentarily resulted from their almost _ something _ has been haunting her ever since. 

“But think about it, if she can still want to be with you after thinking that you literally cheated on her… that’s a good sign, right? …in a sort of messed up way.”

“I suppose.” It’s not the best mindset. “But I don’t understand it, and I’m still scared… I really don’t want to hurt her again.” 

“I know, I know, but it’s different this time. It’s the truth. And once she knows, there’ll be nothing in the way anymore.”

Penelope groans again, “God damn it, you’re right. I hate saying that.”

“Once again, I know this.”

Penelope takes a deep breath to calm herself, her nerves getting the better of her. “Is it normal to be this nervous? I feel like I could puke.”

“You’re afraid, it’d be weird if you weren’t.”

Penelope nods, beginning to psych herself up. “Alright, I can do this. It’s the right thing to do, and I can do it.” 

Hope continues to reassure her as she bends down slightly to put on her shoes. 

When she stands back up again, the movement is a bit too rushed and she feels momentarily lightheaded. 

"I'm… I'm going to tell her… right now." Penelope’s not sure if her words are slurred or if it’s just the lightness in her head, but she needs to leave the house, needs the fresh air, needs to go to Josie. 

“Park? Are you good?” Hope voice sounds worried and Penelope’s confused as to why, but she ignores it for now and goes to reach for the door.

With one more concerning yell from Hope, she feels her head fall backwards and the ceiling gradually comes into view. 

There’s an impact on her back and she realises that her arms, empty handed, are resting against a flat surface, as if the house had rotated onto her. 

And she’s not sure if the repeated panicked call of her name is just her subconscious or reality, 

But she tunes it out, and lets herself slip into the darkness.

//

“I don’t want to go.”

“I know, baby, but it’ll be fun - you can see grandma every day and explore all the new streets.”

“But why aren’t you coming?” A few tears run down Less’ face and it breaks Penelope’s heart more than anything.

“I need to stay here, for Aunt Lizzie.” Penelope smiles reassuringly and tries to keep her own tears at bay, but it’s a losing game.

“I don’t understand.” Less’ voice cracks. “Why can’t we all stay?”

Penelope bites her lip, holding back what she knows will be a broken sob. “I wish you could, but it’s just hard right now. Your mum and I need some space from each other.” 

“Is this why Mummy was so angry? You don’t want to come with us?” Less pleads with her eyes, for something she doesn’t ask.

“Of course I want to come, sweetie, but I need to help Aunt Lizzie.” It’s a broken record, but she’s the one who broke it. “And Mum has a great new job over there, remember?” 

Less nods, having heard all about it in the past few weeks, yet her face is still wrecked. “But I’ll miss you…”

There’s an audible shatter to no one but Penelope. “I’ll miss you too, so so much. But I’ll call you every day, I promise.”

Less nods again. There’s understanding in her eyes where there shouldn’t be - too young to have to go through this, but, irrefutably, much too young for the alternative. “Will you be okay by yourself?”

Penelope pulls her in for an all-encompassing hug, sighing into the warmth when Less hugs back just as tightly. “I’ll have Aunt Lizzie and Aunt Hope with me. And I’ll dress Mr. Snuggles up in funny costumes and send you pictures, okay?”

Less lets out a laugh - it’s pained, but it’s a laugh. “Okay. But promise me you will be alright?”

Penelope nods into her shoulder, knowing that Less needs the physical and verbal reassurance.

“I promise.”

//

“But there’s not much chance of this happening, right?”

“I can’t tell you that for sure. But yes, statistically, the chances are quite low.”

“And how exactly will I know if it does?”

“Well, the most common adverse effect would be a general pain of the operated area, and you should immediately let us know if this occurs. If the situation becomes more serious, such as prolonged internal bleeding, you might notice some bruising or feel nauseous, but early treatment is the key to prevention.”

“Alright, understood. And everything is anonymous?”

“Yes, we have a confidentiality policy which protects the identity of the donor.”

“Okay, good, great. I think I’m ready to sign the forms.”

“Perfect. One last thing. Although exceptionally rare with the current standard of medicine, and only in extreme cases, there still remains a possibility of living donor mortality. Do you understand and consent to this?”

Penelope doesn’t hesitate for a second. 

Maybe it’s stupid and perhaps selfish, but the alternative is not an option. 

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> miss... keisha??
> 
> every time i type “//“ for the scene breaks i imagine the law and order svu donk donk sound. /donk /donk
> 
> so much talking. but with everyone but each other… whoops
> 
> dude, writing that fainting scene actually made me feel dizzy, did not enjoy that lol
> 
> but yeah no one's going to die or be severely injured. that sounds like it needs... research. but actions (or lack thereof) perhaps have ramifications.. hmmm, much to consider..
> 
> so i recently built an ikea bed with my best friends and it was a fun gay disaster, at some point we gave up bc we thought ikea gave us the wrong pieces (turns out we’re just huge dumbshits), and i’m not gonna write the scene but we can all imagine how it’d go down between the two of them lmao
> 
> anybody know what’s the opposite of foreshadowing..? after...glowing? 
> 
> anyway, i gotta go bang out a 6500 word report cyaaaaa


	13. i am wild and ruthless

When Penelope once again wakes up to the familiar sounds of the hospital, she finds herself with Hope.

She’s sitting quietly on the chair next to the bed, looking intently at something on her phone before typing out a message.

Penelope doesn’t say anything, quite exhausted after waking up from what feels like a week-long nap, and just continues lazily gazing. 

Hope looks up after a moment and simply raises her brows at her when she realises Penelope’s awake. 

“Morning, Missus I am going to tell my ex-wife the truth and then instantly pass out on the floor two seconds later so my amazing best friend has to stop her reality television binge and rush to my house to take my ass to the hospital,” Hope says, pulling off the unimpressed attitude quite spectacularly. 

Penelope laughs - it feels tight around her abdomen, but there’s some kind of lightness as well, as if something that had been building up inside her has suddenly disappeared. 

“Please, that was my mum’s name, call me Penelope.”

“Alright, Penne Napoli,” Hope rolls her eyes, getting up from her seat, “well, I’ve been starving for hours waiting for you to wake up, and I already ate all your jello so I’m going to go find a vending machine.”

“Wait, aren’t you going to tell me what happened?” Penelope yells at Hope’s quickly receding presence.

“Something about blood inside your body or whatever,” Hope shouts back over her shoulder, clearing up exactly zero of Penelope’s questions. 

Penelope sinks back down into the bed and looks at the covers. She lifts the blanket, and then her gown, staring down at the area which was once more covered in bandages. 

She sighs, slowly removing the tape, as if seeing the scar again will do something - what exactly, she’s not sure - perhaps just remind her of what she still painstakingly needs to do. 

The scar looks basically the same as before, though now with less bruising and cleaner edges. It doesn’t hurt too much to touch, but the area is sensitive. 

“Good morning, Miss Park, you should already know that you need to keep those on for at least another 24 hours.” Penelope looks up to the familiar face of the doctor walking in, the same one who had performed her first operation, and who she had formed a somewhat friendly relationship with. 

“Oh hey, Doc.” Penelope smiles, “Sorry, I know, just curious. I’ll put on a new one myself.”

The doctor nods and grabs the chart hanging from the side of the bed. “Well, to catch you up to speed, it seems like you had some internal bleeding from the previous surgery, so we had to open you up again and simply patch a few things. But everything went well and the bleeding should be subdued.” She gives Penelope a reassuring smile. “And since you’ve been out for over a day, it should be mostly healed by now.”

“Huh.” Penelope nods, taking in the information. “Not that I blame you at all, but how did that happen?”

“It seems like your body didn’t heal as fast, or healed in an abnormal manner,” she explains, “There are many potential reasons, such as stress, trauma, or immunocompromisation.  _ And _ the issue looks to have persisted for a while now.” 

She looks pointedly at Penelope, who gives her a slightly guilty look. 

“Oh, right, yeah. I’ve been meaning to get it checked.” If she’s being honest, she had been meaning to do a lot of things.

She hears a set of forceful footsteps outside, and perhaps the sound of arguing, gradually getting louder. 

“So, try to relax this time, take it easy. We usually don’t have too many complications with liver transplants but it was always a possibility. And tell us earlier if it happens again, alright?”

Before Penelope can answer her, two bustling bodies appear at the doorway and Penelope quickly moves her gown to cover the scar. 

“I tried to stop her, I swear,” Hope defends herself immediately, lifting up her hands in surrender, and then leaves the room - supposedly to not have to deal with whatever was about to go down - though not before mouthing a very unsubtle  _ ‘tell her’. _

“What’s going on?” Josie looks back and forth between Penelope and the doctor. 

And Penelope is forever grateful to the universe for stalling Josie for just that one second longer, because, how fucking lovely and perfectly cliché would it have been if Josie walked in at the exact moment her doctor had mentioned it.

“Right, Penelope, I’ll let you handle this.” The doctor gestures between the two of them and then gives Penelope a friendly pat on the shoulder, like she’s wishing her luck. “I have to check up on another patient but you should be cleared to leave soon - someone will come to help you.” As the doctor leaves the room, Josie subtly sizes her up and then immediately walks over to Penelope’s side.

“Are you alright? I was worried sick. They wouldn’t let me see you until you woke up.” Josie gently cups the side of Penelope’s face and quickly scans her everywhere. 

Penelope reaches up to place her hand over Josie’s. “I’m fine. But how did you know I was here?”

“Lizzie told me. She’s your emergency contact.” Josie looks slightly hurt and confused and Penelope feels a bit guilty, even though… well.

It had just made sense at the time, seeing as Josie had been out of the country, and they were no longer legally married, and Lizzie was the only person who knew about the whole ordeal until recently. But now, it’s not making as much sense as she realises that Lizzie would of course immediately tell Josie if something had happened to her. 

“Right, I had to change it. I didn’t want to bother you while you were overseas and everything.” Penelope tries to harmlessly play it off, but Josie just looks ever so concerned.

Josie gives her one last once-over before she moves her hand away from Penelope’s face and holds her hand. Penelope looks at her, confused, and then even more so when Josie tugs at the hand, basically dragging Penelope out of the bed. 

And Penelope’s unsure what is happening but lets herself be dragged, healing scars be damned. 

Josie pulls her along, out of the room and down the hospital hallway, towards a room at the end - the hospital staff not seeming to give a damn about the random woman determinedly dragging a patient around the corridors. 

Once they reach the room, Josie opens the door and pulls them both in, immediately closing it behind them.

Of course, it turns out to be a dim and empty on-call room, with bunk beds on either side, the only source of light coming through the cracks of the partially closed window blinds. 

“What is this? Grey’s Anatomy?” Penelope jokes, an attempt to calm her racing nerves.

Josie ignores her for the most part and backs her up against the door - their bodies pressed closely, Josie’s hands pressed flat to the surface on either side of her. 

“Is everything alright?” Penelope asks quietly when Josie’s intense glare starts burning hot, but it’s too hard to look away. 

A choked sob is all she receives in response before Josie moves in and encircles her completely, holding Penelope securely. 

And it’s like all stresses are relinquished from Penelope’s mind and replaced by the blanket that is Josie. 

Josie burrows her face into Penelope’s neck and she can feel the warmth and wetness of tears, the vibrations of Josie’s shaky breaths as she clings to her. 

Penelope takes a deep breath; it might not be the perfect time, but there’s something she has to say and it’s long overdue. 

But before she can speak a single word, she feels lips on her neck - soft, tender kisses, and all thoughts are lost again. 

Josie kisses up the length of the side of her neck, Penelope’s eyes roll behind closed lids as she takes in the feeling she’s been missing like a part of herself, their breaths equally as unstable. 

When Josie’s mouth reaches the underside of her jaw, Penelope pulls back as much as she can, between the physical boundaries of the door and the mental boundary of her own sheer will. 

“Wait, there’s something-” 

“Shut up.”

Josie slides her hand up her back, through the opening of the gown, and Penelope could cry just at the tenderness of the soft pressure. With Josie’s forehead now pressed against hers, both her hands slowly run over the bare skin, as if trying to cover as much area as possible. 

Then, Josie  _ touches  _ her. 

The skin is sensitive, still raw from the recent procedure. Penelope immediately freezes and her eyes shoot open and sees Josie’s closed ones - her breathing hard and shaky, her cheeks damp. 

Josie slowly opens her eyes - they’re filled with tears. 

There’s so much in just one look; confusion, understanding, anger, love. Or maybe Penelope’s just searching for those things. 

But there’s one thing for sure.

_ She knows.  _

Penelope was given what felt like forever and a lifetime to tell her the truth, and Josie ended up finding out by herself. Whether she had overheard the doctor or had seen Penelope’s scar, she has no idea. But it doesn’t matter anymore - She knows.

Penelope backs away as much as she can against the door, which really is not much at all, and she needs to say something, not that anything would really be of use at this moment. Though, nothing comes out, and she’s just gaping. 

But Josie doesn’t move away. Instead, her hands move up to hold Penelope’s face and she pulls her in and kisses her. Nothing’s right, but Penelope can’t help herself from kissing her back - holding onto Josie’s back with the same involuntary force that prevents her from holding herself back, tears unbridled as they run down her face. 

When they pull away, foreheads still touching, Penelope’s knows that Josie can see the mess of confusion on her face. 

“I thought you would be mad,” Penelope whispers.

Josie shakes her head slowly, closing her eyes when the tears begin to fall again, but her voice is calm. “I’m furious.”

The tears gradually become uncontrolled sobs and Penelope holds Josie’s hand, trying to provide any means of comfort, but Josie immediately pulls away, moving her head back slightly as well. “You lied to me.” 

There’s tears. And tears. And tears. Her face is a broken home, a broken heart. A mosaic of all the pieces Penelope had single-handedly smashed. 

All Penelope can do is nod quietly, knowing nothing she says will mend or solve anything - knowing that Josie just needs to be heard, needs her feelings realised. 

“Do you know what it’s like to truly believe you’ve been cheated on?” Josie takes a few steps back, as if she suddenly can’t stand being close to Penelope anymore. “Feeling like you’re not enough for the one person you love most in this world?”

Josie wipes away a few tears, but they’re instantly replaced. She crosses her arms and looks upwards, now not able to even look Penelope in the eye. 

“I cried myself to sleep for months. I felt everything. It was real to me, even if it wasn’t for you. And that’s not going to go away.”

Penelope’s hands itch to reach out, to comfort her. Instead, she clenches them and keeps them against the wall. 

“You went behind my back. You let me believe that you didn’t love me. You… You made me believe there was nothing worth fighting for, that the home we built together meant nothing to you.”

There’s so much pure hurt and pain in Josie’s eyes. She had seen the same expression after the fall, but she had wanted more than anything to never be the cause of it again, even if it lead to flawed and irrational decisions - which have now ultimately backfired and burned the house she was trying so hard to rebuild.

Penelope slowly takes in a shallow breath; it’s unsteady, difficult. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. I  _ had _ to do it.”

“You didn’t  _ have _ to do anything. All I needed was your support and trust. All I needed was you, there, with me.”

“You know I couldn’t do that.”

“Why?” Josie asks, exasperated, as if it were that simple. 

But Penelope knows there’s so much more to it, so much loaded in a single-worded question.  _ Why did you do it? Why did you lie about it? Why did you let me hate you? Why did you let us fall apart? Why didn’t you trust me? _

“You  _ know _ why.” Penelope feels like she’s repeated these words so many times in the past months, yet no one seems to really get it. 

Josie just stares at her for a second, like it’s not good enough, like she wants a better reason. But there isn’t one, so she reaches for the door and pulls it open. Penelope moves, not standing in her way, not holding her back.

And Josie leaves, slamming the door behind her.

//

The door opens behind them and the doctor enters the room again, taking a seat in the chair on the other side of the desk.

“So, we have the results and, as expected, you are an ideal match for your sister.”

Penelope gently squeezes the hand that’s in hers and relaxes back into her seat, having hope for the first time in while. She sees Josie doing the same, an expression of relief and eagerness appearing on her face.

“That’s great news.” Josie seems undeniably ready to do anything for Lizzie. “We would prefer to do it as soon as possible.”

“Of course, that’s understandable and encouraged. Though, there are a few risks that we need to go over first.”

“Right, sure, anything.” Josie nods, not really looking like she’ll change her mind regardless of what the physician says.

“Our main concern, obviously besides severe complications or mortality,” the doctor pauses, looking between the two of them, “is that the condition your sister has  _ may _ be hereditary, and in doing this procedure, you potentially place yourself at a higher risk of developing a similar medical condition in the near future.” 

Penelope’s heart stops, this being the first time she’s been transparently confronted with the possibility of Josie’s death, even if it isn’t a sure thing. She feels her hand involuntarily slipping from Josie’s, but it’s held in place when Josie tightens her grip. 

“What kind of chances are we talking about?” Josie asks, not seeming too concerned about what has just been said.

“At this point, there’s no way of knowing, since we are still uncertain of the exact nature of your sister’s condition. But due to the escalation of the situation and the high number of matching HLA’s making you a promising donor - for the highest chance of long-term survival and lowest chance of rejection - given your consent, we would most definitely prioritise you over other donors and continue with the procedure, at your discretion.” The doctor looks over at Penelope, who currently doesn’t have the capacity to even try to hide her worried expression, before turning back to Josie. “And I understand that the circumstances are pressing, but please, take some time to think about it.”

Josie nods, taking in the information. But Penelope knows that she’s already made up her mind, knows that she would take a bullet for her sister - though, this is taking a shot in the dark. 

And it might end up being a small risk, possibly minuscule relative to the plan she is already mentally constructing, but it is not one Penelope is willing to take.

So, it’s then that Penelope takes her wife’s hand as they walk out of the hospital, drives them back home, and lets her rest and think about the information. 

It’s then that Penelope begins the first lie - tells her wife that she’s going for a walk to help clear her mind, drives herself back to the hospital, and schedules a test. 

It’s then that Penelope feels the beginning of the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm…… Afterglow… hmm…… Bangst… hmm…… Chapter too long…  
damn can this girl catch a break, fuck
> 
> yes! cliché and derivative ARE my middle names, how did u kno!!
> 
> sorry for the dramatiques last chap, don’t think it was necessary, not that anything is really necessary so, it’s chill. but i /did/ try to dampen it by putting it in the middle instead of the end 🥴
> 
> shoutout to my best friends, who i had a long as fuck discussion with about how to ‘reveal news’ to a character in a satisfying way bc i was confused af. we came to the conclusion that most reveals suck and are overused and then we ended up more confused than when we started and it really didn’t help at all in the end. but love u gays, even tho u don’t read this story
> 
> i’m sure there are much more satisfying ways to have done this, e.g. penelope straight up telling her, but uhhhh this is what we’re going with i guess. defs will address penelope’s secret keeping bizniz later on tho. she should, like, not do..that.
> 
> wrote this while watching the cinematic masterpiece that is married at first sight and it was..an experience..  
did i tear up.. hell yep!
> 
> anyway, uni started, i b stress’d, nothing new, have a really cool week, if ur in australia, happy fucking mardi gras/pride!! catch me being a dumbshit at the parade.
> 
> (also, i’m taking tissue engineering this semester and had a lecture this week about organ regeneration/growing new organs from stem cells etc. and i was like damn.. science is. quite amazing. can’t wait to learn more about how none of this will be necessary in the future)


	14. but don't go forgetting me

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Okay. What for?” Penelope barely looks up from her book as Josie barges into her dorm room. 

Josie scoffs and then climbs on the bed and directly on top of where Penelope’s laying on her front. “What do you mean  _ ‘what for’ _ ? Because I’m still mad at you and you know exactly what for.”

“It was a joke.” Penelope feels hands push into the space between her stomach and the bed so she lifts up her body slightly so Josie can wrap her arms around her. 

“Well, I didn’t appreciate it.”

“Hope knows I wasn’t being serious.”

_ “Does she, though? _ I saw her actually  _ studying _ in the library.”

Penelope chuckles. “What? Are you worried she’s actually going to beat you?”

“No.” Josie huffs, and there’s silence for a moment, then, “Alright, maybe.”

Penelope just laughs harder, but then she feels Josie’s hands slide out from underneath and quickly move to tickle her, forcing her to place down her book. “Is it so funny, huh?”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” Penelope surrenders, trying to hold up her hands but her body instinctively tries to stop the source of pure agony. Josie pauses her movements at that and Penelope sighs in relief, resting her head flat against the bed. “Sorry, the poor girl’s failing the class, I was only trying to help.”

“Like you always are - in your weird twisted way.” Josie gives her a small kiss on the cheek before hugging her from behind again, her face lying against Penelope’s back. “Now take it back.”

“Fine, I take it back... not that Hope ever had a chance of winning.” Penelope mumbles the last part under her breath as she reaches to grab her book again. “But I mean it, I’m sorry,” Penelope says sincerely, regardless of whether or not it was a joke, “of course I would never.”

She can feel Josie smile against her back and the grip around her waist tightens ever so slightly. “I need to hear you say the words.”

Penelope rolls her eyes a bit, amused at Josie’s insistence, but she can’t risk another round of tickle torture. “I promise,” Penelope begins, “that if Hope beats you in next week's maths test, I will  _ not  _ break up with you and date her instead.”

“Thank you.” Penelope can practically visualise Josie’s satisfied face as she relaxes completely on top of her. 

They rest like that for a few moments, Penelope going back to reading her book again as Josie quietly rests against her, the sun slowly setting outside the open window.

“If you fall asleep on me, I’m breaking up with you.”

Josie immediately lifts her head up and Penelope instantly regrets the joke again when she feels hands dart to her sides.

//

Penelope hears something downstairs and contemplates whether it’s worth leaving her cosy bed for. 

On the one hand, it  _ could _ be a serial killer who has decided they enjoy the interior design of her late suburbia house. But, on the other hand, her bed was really warm. 

When she hears footsteps on the stairs, she reaches to grab her bookmark from the nightstand, making sure that she doesn’t lose her page in case this person decides to come into her room for some reason. 

The doorknob turns and Penelope groans internally.

“She’s mad at you.”

Lizzie barges into the room and Penelope looks up from the book in her lap.

“How did you get in my house?”

“And she’s mad at me too.” Lizzie ignores her and jumps onto the bed, tousling the neatly made bed sheets on the side that’s been untouched for a while. 

“Yes. Please. Break into my house and make yourself at home,” Penelope says, deadpan. 

“First of all, Josie gave me the key, right before she kicked me out and told me to look after you or whatever.”

Penelope laughs. “You got kicked out of your own home?” 

“Okay, well, not exactly. But I did offer to give her some space, and she  _ did _ tell me to take care of you.” Lizzie looks over at her and gives her a once-over. “And you look terrible.”

“My injuries are under my shirt, and there’s nothing else wrong.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Penelope rolls her eyes. “Anyway, I’m just taking a few days off so it heals properly this time. You don’t need to take care of anything.”

Lizzie shrugs. “I wasn’t really planning to - it’s more for Josie’s peace of mind. Plus, I was hoping you’d be at work most of the time, whatever it is that you do.” 

Penelope chuckles, having been over half a decade and Lizzie still not bothered to learn what she does for a living. “Right. Well, I pretty much made sure everything was self-sufficient years ago, so that I could spend more time at home. But our competitors seem like they’re planning something big, so, luckily for you, I might have to go in soon. Also, my job is-”

“Yeah, yeah, business stuff,” Lizzie interrupts, waving her hand around.

Penelope snorts. Close enough. “So, you’re staying here? Just me and you?” 

“Ugh, of course not.” Lizzie points to the door, where Penelope just realises Hope is standing quietly. “Me, you, and Hope!”

Hope waves and holds up the bag in her hands. “We brought soup!”

“You both know I’m not actually sick, right?” 

“Yeah, whatever.” Hope walks over, drops the bag in Penelope’s lap, and then jumps on the bed as well, cuddling up with Lizzie. And Penelope’s already dreading the week ahead - Josie really knows  _ exactly _ how to torture her. 

Penelope ignores them and opens the bag. She sees the container of soup and it warms something inside of her. 

And, almost instantly, she feels better. 

//

“I hate my job,” Josie complains from the kitchen. 

“You should work with me,” Penelope calls back from where she’s lazing on the couch. 

“Isn’t that nepotism or something.”

“Please, you’d be doing us a favour - you’re overqualified.”

Josie walks over to the couch with a bowl in tow and Penelope immediately perks up, equally at her wife and what’s in her hands. “I’m not sure I want to work for someone who gets sick all the time or just leaves early because they’re having a bad day.”

Penelope pouts. “I like going home to see you and Less.” 

Josie sets the bowl on the coffee table, sitting down on the edge of the couch next to Penelope’s hips. Instantaneously, Penelope shuffles in deeper to make some space and rests her hand on Josie’s leg, while Josie places one hand on the side of Penelope’s face, softly rubbing her cheek with her thumb. “You also like pretending to be sick to get free soup.”

“What?” Penelope gasps dramatically. “I would never.”

“Mmhm.” Josie leans down a bit. “So I guess we probably shouldn’t kiss.”

Penelope looks down at Josie’s lips. “I mean, I’m feeling much better now. It was just a sneeze.”

“Great!” Josie sits up again, “I’ll take the soup to work since you don’t need it.”

“So evil,” Penelope whispers, perhaps the tiniest bit proud, before reaching up to pull Josie down again. 

Josie laughs but moves to lie down on top of her, giving her a kiss as she moves one hand under Penelope's shirt, running her fingers smoothly across the skin. Penelope smiles into the kiss, her stomach reacting to the slightly ticklish touch. 

They pull away and Josie relaxes into her side, her head resting against Penelope. “Anyway, I  _ have _ very recently been looking at finding a new job.”

“Oh?” Penelope closes her eyes as she mindlessly runs her fingers through Josie’s hair. “How’s that going?”

“Nothing amazing so far.” Josie hums, “except this one company, which is so out of my league.”

“It never hurts to try,” Penelope encourages. “They should be so lucky to have you.”

“Well, the other thing...” Josie pauses for a bit, causing Penelope's eyes to open, then she shifts so that they’re facing each other - Josie looking at her with a slightly hesitant expression, as if she’s worried about Penelope’s reaction, “is that it’s in Europe.”

“Oh.” Penelope stops her movements in Josie’s hair. “Well, that’s fine. They speak English there too.”

Josie giggles and hits her lightly on the shoulder. “You know that’s not what I meant. We would basically have to move our whole life over there.”

Penelope shrugs, now gently running her hands down Josie’s back. “And…? What’s the problem? Are you scared Less is going to learn French?” Josie huffs and Penelope breaks into a cheeky smile, deciding to give it a rest. “Alright, I get it. It’s a big decision and we’ll make the right one together if - but more like when - the time comes. But you know I’d follow you anywhere.”

Josie looks like she’s about to cry and Penelope internally lets out an  _ oops. _ Josie shakes her head slowly, her brows furrowed as she looks down at Penelope. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Penelope grins and looks up at her with as much love as she can physically express. “You made soup.”

Josie rolls her eyes. “It’s not that special.”

“Then how does it make me feel better every time, without fail? Explain that.”

“Must be the gram of weed I crush up in there.”

“Ah, makes sense now.”

Josie laughs, then glances up at the clock on the wall and groans. “I’m late.”

“Call in sick. I do it all the time, my boss doesn’t mind.”

“You’re a terrible influence. And you  _ are _ your own boss!”

Penelope chuckles, “Alright, go to work, go be meaningful to society or whatever. Leave me all alone at home.”

“Will do.” Josie smiles and gives her one last kiss before getting up from the couch. 

Penelope watches as she collects her things and waves before heading out. 

She watches her drive away and, already, she can’t wait for her to come home. 

//

To say this week had been one of the most stressful of her life was the understatement of the year. 

Not only was Penelope  _ supposed _ to be taking it easy to avoid more complications, but Lizzie and Hope were  _ supposed _ to ‘look after’ her as well; however, it was more like the complete opposite, with Penelope cleaning up after all their messes, making Less look like a saint compared to these two. 

Though it had been nice to have some company while she was spending so much time alone at home. For the first few hours. Then, she actually got sick - of  _ it, _ that is. 

However, the containers of soup that have been randomly showing up at her door every morning have really been getting her through it all, making her forget about everything else. 

But when the day that Josie’s meant to drop off Less comes around, Penelope couldn’t be happier, knowing her daughter could put them in place better than she ever could. 

She opens the door and is met by her daughter immediately slamming into her, giving her a big hug. 

Josie’s eyes widen as she pulls Less back by the shoulders and all but yelps. “Baby, be careful!”

Penelope places her hands on top of Josie’s, in a gesture to relax her grip on Less. “It’s fine, really. I’m good.” 

Josie looks down at their hands and then up at Penelope, she relaxes her hold but she doesn’t pull away. 

There’s still hints of anger, resentment, muddled in deep brown. 

It’s somewhere in the sea of conflict behind Josie’s eyes, a battle that Penelope had tried so hard to prevent. It reminds her of why she did everything the way she did - so that there was no hesitation, so that there was no conflict, no need for Josie to fight herself. 

But really, it’s just another decision that Penelope had unrightfully made for her. And Josie deserves every right to decide for herself how she wants to feel. And Penelope’s planning to give her a life’s worth of time to decide, if that’s what she needed. 

Because it doesn’t matter now; none of it does. Josie chose to come back, of her own volition, and what’s done is done. Everything is out in the open, there are no more lies and omissions. 

All there was really left is time, and she had always planned to give her lifetime to Josie anyway, so this was really no different. 

And, however long it took, whatever her decision was, Penelope wants to respect that.

Less, the sneaky rascal, crashes Penelope’s train of thought when she quickly ducks down between their hands and runs off to the side and into the house somewhere. Before Penelope can think, she catches Josie’s falling hands in hers and they’re left awkwardly holding both their hands together at the doorway. 

Josie pulls away shortly after, looking away. “Well, I should go.”

Penelope nods. “Thanks for the soup, by the way.”

Josie nods back. “Hope you feel better.”

The  _ ‘I always do’ _ is a given, but left unspoken.

It's a stiff conversation, reminding her of many months ago; the eggshells cracking underneath the weight of everything unsaid. 

Josie goes to leave when Penelope doesn’t say anything after a few moments.

“Wait, Josie,” Penelope calls weakly, and Josie turns back around. “Uh, if you ever want to talk, or anything really, I’ll be here.”

Josie takes a breath, nods, then walks back to her car. 

Penelope watches as she drives away and, already, a feeling that will never go away surfaces again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u haven’t been reading these fics with a thick australian accent then you’ve been missing half the experience 
> 
> so. we’ve hit that point where i am confusion again. yeehaw. 
> 
> time to get out the blu tack to hold up the thin piece of plot that will inevitably fall down in the middle of night and scare the shit out of u but then u go back to sleep and leave it for ur morning self to deal with
> 
> but anyway, i’m just planning the wrap up now, so if there’s a flashback/scene in particular u wanna see (besides big scenes e.g. breakup, bc of course they will be included) let me know :-)
> 
> my thesis proposal is due in 2 weeks so i might not have an update til then, but who knows!! (uni might shut down soon, i'm not sure what’s happening)  
have a safe clean healthy week/month!!


	15. but, darling, i need my time away from you

“Mum, have you seen my sweater?”

“Which one?”

“My favourite one, the yellow one.”

Caroline pops her head up from the couch and gives Josie a shrug. “I haven’t seen that around yet, are you sure you packed it?”

“I swear I had…” Josie sighs. She runs back upstairs, past Lizzie’s old room, which was now Less’, and into her own. She starts rummaging her suitcase again, still not unpacked after having lived here for weeks - as if her brain won’t allow her to fully settle in. As if she will be moving back home any second now. 

Caroline had asked if she needed any help unpacking but Josie refused politely, saying that she’ll get to it. _ And _ that she’ll also get around to changing her mailing address for everything, so that a nameless contact on her phone - a number she had already memorised back to front years ago - didn’t have to constantly notify her of each and every new correspondence she receives. 

After an unsuccessful attempt at finding the specific garment, her first instinct is to call out for a particular someone - someone who would always suddenly appear a minute later with said item in hand. Someone she is so incredibly angry at, hurt by. Her _ second _ instinct, is to phone this same person and ask if she had forgotten to pack it in all her haste. 

She quickly chucks those ideas back into the suitcase and decides to pull out something else to wear. 

She runs back down the stairs, gives her mum a kiss on the head and tells her that she’ll pick up Less from school after work, before saying goodbye and heading to work. 

As she walks through the city, still discovering new things each day, she sees a bridge ahead which can take to the other side of the canal, closer to her workplace. For the 23rd day in a row, she decides to walk past the entrance, choosing not to cross that bridge when she comes to it. 

Instead, she keeps walking ahead and continues taking the route that’s becoming more familiar with each day. Longer, and just as painful, but a nicer view. 

Still, it was no coincidence that her mum lived within walking distance of her workplace; she had known exactly what she was applying to at the time, had known exactly where she wanted to be, what she wanted to see. Now, she’s not so sure. 

She walks past the local florist and sees the wide variety of bouquet arrangements, garden ornaments, potted plants. 

She walks past the local bakery and smells fresh bread, pastries, biscuits.

She walks past the local bookshop and practically feels the comfort of quiet nights in, cuddled up on the couch, warm bodies pressed against her. 

She walks into a building she had once only dreamed of working in and she’s met with the instant drop in temperature of the air conditioning, briskly blowing away all the warm thoughts and feelings. It’s a quick relief and a slow burn at the same time. 

As the elevator doors open on her floor, she’s granted the welcoming faces of her work space, the lively bustle and friendly morning greetings. 

As she enters her large office, she gains the breathtaking view overlooking the city and streets below.

As she looks over the tasks for the day, she’s rewarded with a sense of fulfilment, like she’s finally doing something meaningful, something she’s passionate about. 

She takes it all in; everything she’s earned, everything someone has been telling her she deserves.

But in spite of it all, there’s the overwhelming feeling of loss. 

She comes home to her mum and daughter, and of course they’re more than enough for her. They’ve both supported her through what had been the toughest weeks of her life, whether or not they had knowingly done so - and whether or not she had let them. 

She makes sure to video call her sister every day to check up on her, even if she was in the best condition she had been in a long while when Josie had left, a couple weeks after the operation. In the days before her scheduled flight - when Josie had begun to worry about leaving Lizzie alone and had contemplated asking for another deferral of her job start date - Lizzie had to practically beg her to go, telling her to stop putting her life on hold for others. 

So she gets a fresh start in another city, another job, another life… but, similarly, the wounds are just as fresh, not seeming like they’ll be healing any time soon. 

In the waking hours, she lets herself drown in her work, fuelled by the need to not overthink things that don’t make sense - things that burn down the backdrop and leave her blazing through endless mind trails. Instead, she focuses on what’s in front of her, the people still around and the people she can help in her work - things she has control over, things that make a difference in the world. 

But when she settles down for the night and slips into the darkness and an empty bed, she can’t help but let the tears fall. 

It momentarily quenches the fiery heat building inside of her. The one that burns throughout the day, reminding her of broken promises.

It leaves her empty by the time she falls asleep and, inevitably, dreams of a familiar face.

//

Maybe she had applied because the job was so beyond her qualifications that there was a fat chance of a slim chance of her actually getting it. Maybe she applied because it was close to home and Less wouldn’t need to be moving around all the time. Maybe she applied because the company was the direct competitor of her ex-wife’s and she still had some animosity unknowingly building up inside her. 

Maybe she was just tired of living this reality when her dreams had changed long ago. 

Either way, she applies to the job and is, once again to her surprise, accepted. The fact that she moves halfway across the world back home _ before _ receiving the message is completely irrelevant. 

All she cares about is that Less is closer to all her parents and ad hoc guardians, and that she can keep a close eye on her sister’s condition once again. 

However, the week she plans to accept the job - to begin the new year fresh, with a new company and perhaps even a new relationship - she receives a Polaroid picture.

That night she sends an email rejecting the job, apologising profusely in the process.

So when she receives a phone call months later, offering her an even better position, she thinks about the same person who’s always on her mind. The person who possibly risked their life for Lizzie and her, who definitely broke her heart in the process, and who had always told her to go after what she wants - that it’s what she deserves. So she accepts it. 

She forgets that she’s meant to be angry about the lies and betrayal for a day and excitedly tells her sister about the opportunity. Lizzie seems proud and just as excited about it - the knowledge that the company had a clear rival being only a small influence in this, or so Josie likes to believe. 

After finding out the truth about Lizzie’s operation, their brief shouting match had quickly turned into a deep discussion, delving into all the why’s, and exes, and zeds. But if Josie was being honest, she couldn’t even force herself to be mad at her sister, given the situation. And it leaves her wondering why she’s mad at Penelope, or if she even _ is _ mad.

So when Lizzie had offered to give her some space, she thought it might be good for Penelope to have someone around.

(“Just in case she, like, falls over or something…” Josie justifies.

“She’s perfectly fine. Can’t I just get her a Life Alert or something?” Lizzie huffs, clearly not having signed up for this. 

Josie crosses her arms and gives her stern look before Lizzie gives in, reluctantly packs a bag and Hope.)

When she tells Penelope about the job after a couple of weeks, after dropping Less off, she seems happy for her. As always, Penelope tells her that she deserves it, that it’s a fantastic company and she’ll fit in great there. 

And the way that Penelope is being so patient for her, giving her the space and time necessary to find her footing, to see where she stands in the thick of it all - it almost makes her want to forget about ever settling for anything less, to just take the leap back into her arms, where she belongs. 

But it’s never really that easy, and the feelings never really go away; good or bad. 

So she continues on with her new job, makes a pot of soup, and gradually starts to feel happier, feels as if she belongs again. 

And at night when she slips into her empty bed, she feels closer than ever to the inevitable. 

//

“Here you go!” Caroline pulls out a small box from her bag and holds it out towards Josie. 

“Mum! You can’t just pull that out here like that!” Josie quickly swipes the box and hides it between her gloved hands. She turns her head around and looks towards the end of the small footbridge, where Penelope enthusiastically feeds some grains to the ducks swimming in the canal underneath, making sure that each one has a fair share. 

“What, you asked for it.” Josie turns back towards her mum, who gives her a light shrug before leaning against the brick railing, looking towards the water below. 

“Privately,” Josie whispers, her panicked heart relaxing a bit, “not for all of Europe to know.”

“I think all of Europe already knows you want to marry her…” Caroline smiles, her eyes tracing one of the gondolas emerging below and moving away from them. 

Josie blushes slightly, leaning her side against the barrier. “Do you think _ she _ knows?”

Caroline looks up at her, then her gaze moves behind Josie’s shoulder, where Penelope is. 

“She’s not the brightest…” Caroline nods her head in gesture towards said girl, and Josie turns around to find Penelope now lying down on the footpath next to the canal, her arms outstretched over the water with Josie’s beret in one hand. She looks like she’s saying something to the baby ducks, then she begins pointing to the inside of the cap, as if asking one of them to jump in. “But she knows.”

Josie giggles, amused at the complete idiot that happens to be the love of her life. She feels her throat feeling tighter as her laughs become soft sobs, her eyes become blurry, and she turns back towards her mum. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.” 

“Aw, honey, come here.” Caroline gives her an empathetic smile and pulls her in for a hug, gently rubbing her back. “I know.”

Josie relaxes into the embrace, overcome with a new level of emotion just from the sheer thought alone.

Caroline pulls away after a long minute and her eyes move to the space next to Josie’s head. “Hi Penelope.” 

Josie frantically shoves her hands deep in her coat pocket before she turns around. Penelope grins widely as she walks towards them, her hands behind her back. There’s a hint of something in her eyes and Josie’s immediately suspicious. 

“Everything alright?” Penelope asks softly, looking at Josie and presumably concerned about the tears on her face. 

Josie reaches one hand out to dry any dampness and gives her a reassuring smile. “Perfect.”

“What have you got in your hands?” Caroline asks, and Josie’s heart spikes for a brief moment as the hand in her pocket squeezes the small box, before she realises that her mum’s talking to Penelope and not her. 

Penelope shrugs casually, her hands still behind her back, “Nothing.”

Josie's eyes narrow the tiniest bit. “Please tell me you don’t have an actual baby duck.”

Penelope’s brows furrow, confused. “Um, okay. _ I don’t have an actual baby duck.” _

Josie takes a step towards her and lets go of the box to reach out both her hands to place them on Penelope’s upper arms. She slides her hands down and pulls gently, to get Penelope to let go of the grip. Penelope yields, face still serious, and when her hands are finally in view, Josie sees her own beret - and a yellow duck inside. 

“But I have a knitted one!” Penelope beams, holding out the life-sized crochet baby duck between them, with Josie’s hands still placed near her elbows. “There’s a little store making them down there. Isn’t she the cutest?” Penelope gives the duck a small squeeze, admiring the handiwork. 

Josie bursts out laughing, and Penelope smiles, clearly confused but not really minding at all. “She _ is _ the cutest,” Josie agrees, moreso at the person holding the duck. 

Caroline quietly excuses herself at that, mumbling something inaudible and possibly even making a gagging sound as she walks away to the other side of the bridge. 

Though, Penelope’s eyes never leave Josie, and Josie’s hands never leave Penelope. 

“Well, she’s your problem now.” Penelope gestures the duck towards her as a gift. 

Josie just tugs at Penelope, stepping into what little space was left in between them, and wraps her arms around Penelope’s neck. Penelope smiles adoringly at her and embraces her similarly. 

And in the middle of the bridge, in the middle of somewhere in Europe, in the middle of what feels like a promise of forever - Josie leans in and kisses her. 

When they eventually pull away, Josie moves a hand to gently cup Penelope’s face, the ring in her pocket burning a hole through her coat. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t know much about europe, never been, very sorry :-(
> 
> i hate it but every time i write someone touching someone else my brain automatically goes noooo, no touch, social distancing only. terrible
> 
> ye i’ve been home with my cats 3 days straight and we slowly losing the plot. but i did go out yesterday to do some thesis shit and donate a lil blood, and it blows my mind how many people are still out at bars and stuff
> 
> in regards to this story, i know i’m in self-iso but i’m not really writing much, mainly cause i build 99% of the plot while taking my nice hour long walks to uni and haven’t been able to do that lately. i’m sure it’ll be fine, just gotta start scheduling in some mindless thinking time lol  
i am sleep and blood deprived so it should b e-z
> 
> uhhh also, i noticed a plot hole and all i can honestly say is oopsss. it’s nothing big so let’s just ignore that shit and perhaps i’ll fix it later :-)
> 
> also also, i’m not exactly a fan of writing about angsty feelings and whatnot, so if u have any feedback on the first half of this chap, i would be very interested to hear it - especially critical  
(personally, i am quite confused about what josie feels, and it shows, but i think that’s kinda the point....IDK... spare perspective maam?)
> 
> so yeah!! wash your hands, take a shower, check up on your friends and fam, avoid racists, attend those zoom classes, double check that ur audio/video ain’t on lmao, and hope u have a positive and safe time !!


	16. baby, don't leave me

“I don’t think you can do it.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s way out of your league.”

Penelope scoffs. “True. But that’s never stopped me before.” 

Alyssa gives her a weary look before shrugging, now amused. “Alright, whatever. Have fun embarrassing yourself.”

Penelope just gives her a smile before walking across the lawn of the college campus and over to the two girls they had been, not so subtly, eyeing for a while now. Alyssa follows closely behind, seeming a bit too giddy to see what is expected to be an epic failure.

Penelope puts on her sweetest grin when she’s spotted by the girls, giving them a small wave. “Hey.”

The girls look back at her, confused. One of them rolls their eyes and crosses their arms, while the other deigns to give her a reply. “Um, hi?”

Penelope beams at the girl and her hands clasp in front of her, slightly nervous. “I just wanted to come over and say that I think you’re really pretty.” 

“Oh.” The girl blushes and her head tilts down a bit. “Thank you, I guess.”

“Of course.” Penelope nods graciously, then reaches one hand to scratch the back of her own neck. “Would it be alright if I asked for your number?”

“Oh, um.” The girls brows furrow and she draws back slightly. “I’m not sure how my girlfriend would feel about that…”

The other girl, who had been standing quietly, snickers at that. Penelope also hears Alyssa failing to hold in a laugh behind her. 

Penelope just shrugs and smiles, not really discouraged by the information. “I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Alyssa lets out a small yelp and suddenly steps forward in between them, moving an arm over Penelope’s chest to nudge her backwards. “I am so sorry about my friend. She seems to have no boundaries whatsoever.”

The girl just smiles politely. “That’s alright.” Her gaze moves past Alyssa’s shoulder and at Penelope. “She _ is _ kind of cute though.”

Penelope grins back and Alyssa turns her head towards her, giving a look of disapproval. 

“You really think so?” Penelope lifts a brow in suggestion. “Could I perhaps just have one kiss then?”

Alyssa’s eyes are shooting machetes at her but Penelope mostly ignores it, much rather preferring to stare at the pretty girl. 

The girl drops her shoulders in defeat and her eyes roll playfully, giving off a ‘why not’. “Okay, fine, but _ only _ one.”

Alyssa’s head snaps back to the girl. “What?”

Penelope nods excitedly, quickly pushes Alyssa’s arm down, and steps towards the girl. She places a hand gently on the back of her neck and pulls her in for a deep kiss, smiling when it’s almost immediately reciprocated. 

Alyssa yanks her shoulder back a second later, not the slightest bit happy. “Okay, what the fuck, Park, that’s way too far. We said we wouldn’t go for anyone in a relationship.” 

“Oh shit, my bad.” Penelope turns to Alyssa and uses her free hand to point at the girl she’s still holding onto. “But she’s so cute.”

The girl beams at the compliment and Alyssa looks like she’s 3 seconds away from losing it. “How does that make it okay? You basically just-”

“Relax, they’re basically married.” The other girl finally decides to speak up. 

Penelope turns to her. “Lizzie.” She frowns. “Must you ruin our fun?”

Josie just laughs, reaching over to grab Penelope’s free hand, intertwining their fingers.

Alyssa looks between the three of them, bewildered. Then, she stops at Penelope. “What the fuck? You had a girlfriend this whole time?”

“Perhaps.” Penelope smiles cheekily. 

“But we’ve-” Alyssa cuts herself off, looks at Josie cautiously. “We’ve been… you know…” 

“But we’ve been having a contest to see who can get the most numbers on campus?” Penelope finishes for her and Alyssa’s eyes widen in alarm.

Josie pulls away from Penelope’s hold, inhaling sharply, and her hand covers her chest in shock. “What?” she whispers.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” Alyssa holds her hands up in some attempt to placate Josie. “If I had known, I never would have agreed to it.”

“She’s just playing you, she knows all about it.” Penelope laughs and rolls her eyes a little. 

Alyssa drops her concerned face once again and groans. “You two deserve each other.” Then, she turns to Josie. “And you’re okay with this?”

Josie shrugs. “She’s gonna have to try harder if she wants to get rid of me. Plus, I heard the winner gets free drinks for a month, and I’m really looking forward to capitalising on that.”

Penelope wraps an arm around Josie and pulls her close again. “Trust me, I’ve _ tried _ making her jealous before - it does not work. She’d be more disappointed if I lost.” 

“Well, when you’re texting me sappy notes every day and bugging me every chance you get, it’s kind of hard to believe you’d even have time for anyone else,” Josie reasons. 

“Shh.” Penelope covers Josie’s mouth and turns to Alyssa, who seems extremely entertained by the information. “None of that is true; she is a pathological liar. I think we’re late for our next class.”

Penelope lets go of her girlfriend and starts dragging Alyssa away, hearing a dwindling yell from behind them. 

“I’m Josie, by the way. You must be-”

//

“Alyssa!” 

Penelope catches her as she’s leaving the building, about to tackle the thunderstorm outside. 

  
Alyssa turns around at the sound, puts down her umbrella, and gives her a smile. “Oh hey, I was just leaving for the day, did you need something?”

She sees a figure outside in the rain, heading towards the building, and she thinks maybe she should call security, but she turns back to Alyssa instead. 

“Yeah, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to ask if you finished the updated business case study?”

“Of the company your ex-wife works for?” Alyssa chuckles, “Yeah, it’s on the server.”

A month ago, when Josie had told her that she got a job at the company that had been trying to tear her down since Day 1, Penelope may have been slightly hurt. 

But with the way she looked, happy about where she was spending her time away from family and friends for once - something Penelope had missed out on when Josie was in Europe - there was no way she would ever do anything to jeopardise that. 

“Right, that one.” Penelope grimaces. “Makes it that much harder to strategise against them.”

“Damn, you’ve still got it bad for her.”

“Josie?”

“Yes? Who else?”

“No, I mean, Josie… she’s outside.” Penelope gives a small wave to the figure approaching the building entrance, clumsily closing up their umbrella, clothes damp from the wind and rain. 

“Penelope, you’re still here.” Josie seems relieved; her hair disheveled, breath heavy as if she was in a rush. 

“Hey, is everything alright?” Penelope shifts towards her on instinct, their eyes inherently fixated on each other.

“Yeah, I just-” Josie suddenly notices who the other person is, her jaw clenches and the grip on her umbrella tightens. “Oh, Alyssa. Hi.”

“Hey Josie.” Alyssa gives her a short nod and a polite smile. “How are you?”

Josie returns a somewhat tight smile, moves closer to Penelope, and reaches for her hand, just the slightest bit possessive. “I’m great, never been better.”

Alyssa takes a quick glance at their joined hands, a hint of amusement on her face. “Looks like it.”

It only makes Josie move closer into Penelope’s side. “Were you two about to go somewhere?” Josie looks between them. 

“No,” Penelope immediately confirms, “I was just asking about work.” Alyssa hums in agreement and there’s a brief moment of silence. 

Penelope can practically feel the antsy energy radiating from Josie, so she squeezes her hand and gives Alyssa an unsubtle look. 

Alyssa seems to receive the message loud and clear, looking more than keen to follow through. 

“Would you look at the time,” she says without looking at the time, “I’ve got to be anywhere else but here - talk with you on Monday, Park, and nice seeing you again Josie.”

“Right, you too.” Josie says, her eyes following Alyssa’s retreating figure. As soon as she’s out the door, Josie turns to Penelope. “Can we talk?”

Josie’s already dragging Penelope towards the elevators before she can agree, but Penelope nods anyway. “Yeah, of course.”

The doors open as soon as Josie presses the button and she lets go of Penelope’s hand as she quietly walks in first. She presses Penelope’s floor and they stand side-by-side in the middle, the doors closing in front of them. 

After a few levels of silence, Penelope turns to her, speaks softly, “I’m sorry. Alyssa and I-” 

“It’s okay.” Josie says, her voice calm, still looking straight ahead. 

Penelope shakes her head. “Not really.”

“It’s not real.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel something about it.” 

Josie finally looks at her, clear reflections of pain in her eyes. She shrugs, defenceless, and takes Penelope’s hand again as the elevator doors open, gently tugging her towards her office - the motion sensor lights following along. 

Once they reach her office, Josie drops Penelope’s hand, then her umbrella to the side, and immediately goes for one of the lower cupboards behind Penelope’s desk. 

Penelope takes a seat on the couch to the side and quietly watches as Josie pulls out a blanket that she hadn’t even remembered was in there, but it immediately reminds her of the last time they were in this office together.

Josie takes off her coat and makes an attempt to dry her damp hair. Then, she wraps the blanket around herself and joins Penelope on the couch. 

“Where’s Less?” Penelope asks, starting the conversation light.

“She’s with Lizzie. I told her she could move back in if she helped watch her for a while.”

Penelope chuckles softly. “You know it’s her house, right?”

Josie nods, but doesn’t find the humour in it, her head seeming to be elsewhere. 

“Penelope.” Josie begins, and Penelope’s heart rate spikes. Her mind immediately conjures up the million ways in which that sentence could end. And damn, she really is a half-empty kind of person. “I got fired.”

Or perhaps more so just plain empty, not having thought of that one. “What?”

“From my job.”

“I got that. But why?”

Josie shakes her head. “That doesn’t matter, but-”

“What do you mean? Of course it matters. I thought you loved it there.”

“I did, I just…” Josie trails off, there’s an unusual look in her expression - something so familiar yet she just can’t place it. 

“You don’t seem like you care…” Penelope furrows her brows. 

Josie suddenly pulls back a bit. “I do. But it’s just a job, Penelope.”

Penelope nods. “A job you worked so hard for. A job that made you happy.”

“It’s not a big deal, there will be other opportunities.” Josie looks at her as if she was baffled by Penelope’s reaction, and it’s just too confusing. 

Penelope shakes her head. “I don’t understand. You used to _ dream _ about having something like this… but, you’re not sad? You’re not even fighting back?”

Josie scoffs. “You’re asking _ me _ why I’m not fighting for something?”

It’s hypocritical, Penelope knows it. “I just- I want you to look after yourself.” 

Josie shakes her head, places her hands on her knees, and pushes herself up off the couch. “You know what, I’m not sure why I came. I should go.”

“Wait, Josie.” Penelope stands up and reaches for her hand. “Please don’t, I’m sorry, I just thought-”

“That’s the problem, Penelope.” Josie pulls her hand back. “It feels like you keep deciding how I’m supposed to feel.”

And Penelope doesn’t know how to respond to that because honestly, it’s painfully true. So she speaks quietly, “I just want what’s best for you.”

Josie nods. “I know, but you have to let me make my own choices.”

It’s obvious they’ve thoroughly moved on and are no longer talking about a job anymore.

“Josie.” Penelope whispers, willing her voice not to shake. “You were risking your _ life. _ You could’ve-” 

Just the thought alone was devastating, nonetheless speaking it out loud.

“Don’t you think I feel the same way?” Josie’s pained expression mirrors her own. “That I could have lost _ you?” _

“I- There was less of a chance.” Penelope knows it’s just excuses, knows exactly how Josie feels.

“Was there, though? You still had complications, you _ still _ could have died.” Her voice cracks at the last part. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow - confronted by the fact that she hadn’t really prevented any hurt, she had simply just transferred it from herself to Josie. 

Penelope nods. “You’re right. I couldn’t stand the thought of you ever being physically hurt, so I hurt you emotionally instead; I hurt _ myself _ instead. Because…” Penelope shrugs. “You’d still be alive. And that was all that mattered to me at the time.”

She quickly continues. “It’s not an excuse for what I did, I know.” Penelope nods. “I was dishonest, I was _ selfish. _But I can’t lie, I’d do it again - in a heartbeat.” She lets out a defeated sigh when Josie doesn’t respond after a moment. “It’s okay if you don’t understand, I hardly understand it myself. But if it’s something you can’t accept… then maybe we-”

Penelope’s interrupted by a choked sob. “But that’s the worst part… I _ do _ understand. I understand exactly why you did it. But the lying, the pretence… you should have just talked to me.” 

“That I regret. I never should have lied.” Penelope sighs, remorseful, and truthfully, _ tired. _ “But, Josie, you _ knew _ I was willing to do it. And you _ knew _ that the doctors would never have let me without your approval… And I promised you, for as long as I live, that I would _ never _ sit back and watch your world burn down. But, I’m so sorry that it came out like this… and you’re right, whether or not you still want me, I can’t lie anymore.”

Josie remains silent, staring back and forth between Penelope’s eyes. Her brows furrow as she unwraps herself from the blanket and holds it out to Penelope. 

Penelope takes it, their hands separated merely by a fabricated cover, and Josie just gives her a single nod. 

What it means, Penelope is forever unsure. 

But before she has the time to ask, the door is closed and Josie’s gone.

//

Once again the rain comes down, ending off the week of much the same weather, and Penelope, drenched, finds herself at Lizzie’s doorstep.

It’s been a week of overthinking, of holding back, of rain and quiet nights at home. There’s something bubbling inside of her and she just needs to talk to someone, needs to say something even though she’s currently unsure what exactly that is.

Between finding out that Josie had lost her job and not being able to comfort her as she deals with her feelings about their relationship, she once again feels so _ helpless. _

After a moment, the door opens and the sense déjà vu is overtly apparent on Lizzie’s face as well. 

“What is the deal with everyone showing up at my house all wet…” she mumbles. “Aren’t you picking up Less tomorrow? It’s late, she’s asleep.”

Penelope nods. “Yeah, I know. I just wanted to talk to Josie.” 

Lizzie sighs. “She’s not mad - I think… But she does want some space, and I am not risking having to move back in with you again by letting you in.” 

Penelope nods again - fair enough, really - and turns to leave as Lizzie slowly begins closing the door. But she quickly turns back towards the closing door. 

And the manic feeling releases itself against her will. “Remember that baby bird?” 

"Oh no, not this again." Lizzie sighs and opens the door once again, leaning against it with her arms crossed. 

“I- I'd never seen anyone _ care _ so much…” Penelope shrugs, the rain rolling off the small shelter of Lizzie’s door and hitting her back. 

“My father didn't bat an eye when our dog died. And my mother didn't bat an eye when my father died… 

“I didn't understand how someone could cry over something they didn't even know. She just saw a bird and wanted to help.

“And I remember… I remember wishing I could care like that.”

Lizzie watches her quietly, lets Penelope release whatever it was that was going on at the moment. 

“And then I understood. She taught me. To care. To love, unconditionally.

"And then you were sick.” 

Penelope wipes her face, though it’s pointless; the tears immediately lost to the rain.

“And I had no idea how to help you. I had no idea how to help her.

"I had never experienced this kind of devotion, this unreserved love, until I met her. 

“But then it made sense. I had to do it. What else could I do?

“I couldn’t bear for her to lose you… And, even if it meant I had to let her go, I couldn't bear for the world to lose her.”

Lizzie nods - knows that Penelope’s not looking for a response.

“And god, I am trying so hard to stay out of it, to give her space. But it doesn’t make sense and I just want so badly to help her. I just want her to be happy, and that job was making her so happy. 

“And I know it’s just a job, I know. But, it’s the one thing she ever complained about when we were together - how miserable her work life was. Everything else, she could deal with. 

“So… how could someone not want that for her?” 

Lizzie steps forwards and wraps her arms around her, silently takes the rain. 

Penelope shakes her head. “She deserves so much better.”

Lizzie nods and a moment later they hear a door close from upstairs.

They both look towards the top of the stairs and then back to each other. “I’ll check on her. Talk with me later, alright?”

Penelope nods, turns back into the rain as the door shuts. She goes back into her car and drives away, mind equally racing. If her eyes see a faint shadow on the second floor window, she just chalks it up to the delirium of the entire night.

But she knows exactly what she’s doing when she dials a number she has on her phone strictly for business purposes - the owner of a company she so despises. 

She sighs as she hears the other line pick up. 

“I want to make you a deal.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she did that huh… yeah… but do ppl really change… idk… i’m not Phil Ulcer Phở
> 
> look, i’m finally finishing the last season of jane the virgin and.. the amount of drama PLUS isolating at home is obviously having an influence, please excuse me, we are spiralling a little bit.. i’m trying to push it along asap.. 
> 
> but lmao that baby bird line from a few chapters ago wasn't meant to mean anything important.. i just thought it would be funny to have pen getting emotional and bugging liz about something random. and then, the other day, i thought it would be Even Funnier to actually give it meaning, and now she Really is getting emotional and bugging liz about it. and i just… having a time, i'm sorry
> 
> anyway.. wasn’t really planning on updating soon cause shit happened and i’m a little small bit sad, but aren’t we all, so fuck it :-) and due to the current state of the economy i have decided that all chapters from now will require at least 1 gross fluff scene. sorry, i do make the rules
> 
> in other news, it is april fools here, i was meant to get a tattoo today but obviously it got cancelled. the other night i went out to get some biscuits. my cat stepped in his own shit and tracked it onto the carpet. then i stepped on something in my kitchen and my foot started bleeding. that’s literally all that’s happening in my life, what’s new with you??? lmao
> 
> STAY SAFE. WISH U WELL


	17. i just never know what day it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are pots banging in my head

When she receives a call out of the blue from her former boss, offering her back the job she was terminated from, Josie is once again confused.

When her ex-wife shows up at her doorstep a few hours later, right on schedule, her mind eases almost instantly. 

Though, she doesn’t have a second to even greet her before Penelope starts talking. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” For possibly the second time in their lives, Penelope can’t seem to meet Josie’s eyes. “But it doesn’t make sense - they told me you made a careless mistake but I know you, Josie, you don’t do that! But if you did, you would do everything to fix it again… so why are you self-sabotaging?”

It’s not difficult to connect the dots, but moreso just figuring out how she’s supposed to feel about the information. 

“That was you?” is all Josie can say, still taking it in.

Less comes running down before Penelope can answer, her backpack on her shoulder, ready to leave the house. She hugs both their hips with each arm, giving them a “Hi Mum, bye Mum!”, before skipping outside towards the car. 

Penelope looks back at Josie, her head shaking, voice small. “It’s like an incessant need to just do these things… I don’t understand why I keep doing this.” 

There’s something torn about Penelope’s expression and Josie’s mind feels like a _ Play-Doh _ machine, slowly processing her mushy thoughts into organised, but still mushy, thoughts. 

“You got my job back for me?” Josie asks, needing the confirmation. 

Penelope furrows her brows slightly, but she gives Josie a small nod anyway. 

Josie stares quietly at her, unsure how to respond - a stream of different conclusions ready for her to jump in at any moment - but she’s saved by the beeping of the car horn. 

They both look over to see Less inside the car, waving at them.

Penelope quickly waves back before turning to Josie, apologetic. “Look, I’m sorry for meddling again. And obviously, there’s no obligation to take it. But it’s there if you want it.” 

There’s one last look and a small sigh.

Then, Penelope’s gone before she knows it.

//

Josie puts down the phone, ecstatic about the unexpected news she had just received.

Her first instinct, of course, is to share the information with her two favourite people.

So, she eagerly awaits for them to come home, physically giddy to tell the news in person. 

She hears a key enter the lock of the door and, when it opens a second later and she catches a glimpse of Penelope, she all but jumps from her place on the couch. 

“Hey babe, you would not believe what happened today.” Josie skips towards the front door, tossing the book she was reading onto the coffee table.

Penelope stands there alone, looking at the door she had just closed, her hand still on the knob, and it makes Josie slow down. 

“Is everything alright? Where’s Less?” Josie reaches an arm out towards her. 

Penelope finally turns to her, the most blank and unreadable expression on her face. “I asked Hope to pick her up from school and look after her for the night.”

“What, why? What’s going on?” Josie tries not to prematurely jump to any conclusions, but Penelope’s unusual quietness is sending her own thoughts vaulting.

“Josie, there’s something I need to tell you.” Penelope walks into the living room and sits on the couch, her posture stiff as she waits for Josie to join her. 

“You’re worrying me. Did something happen?” Josie sits down in the middle of the couch, facing Penelope, and reaches out her hands to hold hers. But Penelope slowly pulls back and clasps her own hands together, looking down at them. 

She opens her mouth but it’s a moment before she speaks. “I… Josie… I don’t-” 

“Wait,” Josie interrupts her - struggling not to cry just from the fact that Penelope doesn’t want to hold her hand, struggling to disregard it and just keep it together for a second longer. “Before you tell me, I have some good news…” Josie begins, in the hope that what follows will be able to somewhat alleviate whatever it is that Penelope is going through right now, “they found a donor for Lizzie.” 

Josie looks at her expectantly, searching for any sign of relief - more for Penelope than herself - but it doesn’t come. 

Penelope’s face is ever the same unaffected expression as when she had first seen her. And every chemical in Josie’s mind urges her to cry, urges her that something’s extremely wrong. 

But then it comes and Josie’s heart settles. 

She feels her chest physically lighten when Penelope lets out a small muffled laugh of relief. It maybe sounds more like a half sob in its entirety, but it’s something. 

Then, Penelope shakes her head, suddenly distressed. She looks towards Josie but still refuses to meet her eyes, her face visibly drained. 

“Alyssa kissed me.” 

Josie just stares back at her; the person she sees when she thinks of love. 

It seems decades could pass and it wouldn’t make a difference. But she must be silent for a while, as Penelope eventually meets her eyes. 

And Josie’s not sure what overcomes her but she laughs softly. “What?”

“And I kissed her back.” Penelope continues, her eyes now boring into Josie’s. “And-” 

“Please stop,” Josie whispers, not wanting to hear anything more. But her mind doesn’t accept any of it, regardless of the tears already running down her face. “Be serious, what’s actually wrong?”

Penelope looks at her, taken aback slightly. 

Then, her head shakes minutely, and Josie knows she’s not joking. 

A crushing force is brought down on her, pushing her off the high cliff she has long been settled upon. 

Every crevice of her heart that she has let Penelope dig into, caving in on itself. 

“I don’t understand,” she whispers. There’s a great disconnect between her head and chest, but it’s slowly being bridged by a flow of tears. 

“I wasn’t expecting it, it just happened, and…” Penelope stops herself and looks away, but the gaps are easily filled with the silence.

Josie swallows a breath, time freezing long enough for everything to feel numb. And it’s a moment before she once again realises the hot tears streaming down her face. “When?”

“Yesterday. At work.” Penelope responds, almost practised, her face so subtly pained yet so impassive. And maybe that’s what hurts the most. That Penelope’s not even allowing herself to care.

But Josie needs to know, even if she doesn’t want to. “Do you… do you have feelings for her?” 

It’s not like she didn’t know they were close - they had all known each other for almost a decade - but, being so blindsided by it cut so much deeper than having had noticed it for herself. 

Penelope finally looks away, nods slightly, and that seems to be Josie’s tipping point.

She shakes her head, not believing it, or not wanting to. Either way, it’s too much handle and she moves away from Penelope. 

“No.” Josie continues shaking her head, like it will all go away if she tries hard enough, like there’s a nightmare she’s supposed to wake up from. “I don’t get it. I _ know _ you, you would never.” 

And it’s as if something clicks in Penelope. Josie finally sees the person she loves underneath it all, an entire war in Penelope’s eyes. 

But she stands up before Josie can get a hold of her. “I can’t do this, I’m sorry, I have to go.” 

There’s one last look and a soft pained sob.

Then, Penelope’s gone before she knows it.

//

“You cheated!”

“I did not! I’m just strategic.”

Josie hovers near the living room entrance and is met with the sight of Hope and Lizzie sitting on the floor, having a stare-down over a game of _ Connect Four. _

“I swear you put another counter in when I turned around.” 

“First of all, you have the memory of a puppy looking for treats. Second, it’s not my fault you were distracted!”

“I wanted to know what Penelope was saying to- Oh, hey, Jo.”

Josie just waves and quietly walks into the room, sitting on the couch near them. 

“What were you and Penelope talking about?” Lizzie asks, leaning against the couch next to Josie’s legs.

Josie furrows her brows, looking down at the board game, still slightly dazed. “It was her…” Whoever was the red player had two additional counters on the grid but still lost the game. “She got my job back.”

Lizzie just snorts. “Does she not know why you got fired?”

“No…” Josie looks down at her hands, sheepish. Then, she sighs and stands up. “It’s just all really confusing. I need some time.”

“Josie.” Lizzie reaches up her hand and gently holds Josie’s. “We’re always here if you need anything.” Josie nods, gives her hand a small squeeze, and heads upstairs. 

She walks into her room and towards the window, overlooking the front of the house. It’s quiet, an absence of rain.

She lies down on her bed, tries to figure everything out. 

And all together, it’s too perceptible, like hundreds of fish moving in a torrent - but every time she grabs one, it slips out of her hands and she comes up empty. 

After a moment, she hears her door open and sees Hope walk in.

“Hey. How are you doing?” Hope sits down on the side of her bed. 

Josie shrugs, wishing she had an answer. “I don’t know. Everything’s so messy.”

Hope sighs, lies down next to her, and they both look towards the ceiling. “Are you angry?”

Josie hesitates for a second, before speaking quietly. “Is it bad that I’m not?”

“It is whatever it is, that’s just how you feel… but why not?”

Josie frowns a bit. “I don’t know. I’m just… confused, really.”

“About why she did it?” 

“No… about why she told me.” 

“Oh. So you’re confused about why she _ didn’t _ lie about it?”

“I don’t know, Hope, maybe?”

“Well, you know she’s not really much of a liar, unless she feels she _ has _ to. In fact, she loves being honest, especially when it hurts my feelings.”

Josie laughs at that, it’s somewhat true. In the years that they had been together, Penelope had been nothing if not disturbingly truthful. 

Hope continues. “But you know her best, Josie. And deep down, you know her intentions.” Josie turns her head towards Hope, who pushes herself up onto her arms. “Just think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with or without her by your side. And the answer to that might be without, but if it isn’t… you should talk to her, sooner rather than later.”

Josie narrows her eyes at Hope. “When did _ you _ become the sensible one?”

“I don’t know.” Hope shrugs. “I guess when I thought that I could lose Lizzie forever.”

Josie gapes slightly, but it’s not surprising at all. “You cheated so you could let her win, didn’t you?” 

Hope just smiles at her, gets up from the bed, and leaves the room.

Josie sighs and stares back up at the ceiling. 

Hope’s right and she knows it. 

Still, she takes a couple days to think about it. 

She lets herself live out each and every scenario, but it always seems to end the same. 

If there ever existed a universe in which she didn’t want to be with Penelope, this one wasn’t it. 

Before she realises it, it’s already the middle of the week and she hears the door slamming closed and Less walking into the living room. 

“Hey, baby, how was your day?” Josie gets up from the couch and starts walking towards the kitchen to prepare an afternoon snack. Then, she backtracks immediately, suddenly aware. “Wait, aren’t you meant to be at other mummy’s house? How did you get here?”

Less just shrugs and drops herself on the couch. “Aunty Hope kidnapped me from school.”

“That’s not true!” Hope walks in a second later, then whisper-shouts towards Less. “Less, that wasn’t funny when you said it out loud at school, and it still isn’t funny now.” Then she turns to Josie. “Your kid is going to get me arrested one day, I swear.” 

“Hope?” Josie gives her a worried look. “Where’s Penelope?”

“Oh, she’s just at the hospital, she-”

“What?” Josie basically drowns out all of Hope’s words after that, her mind consumed with a wretched fear and her heartbeat refusing to let her hear anything else. 

Hope speaks in vain; all Josie can do is grab her car keys and head towards the front door. 

She simply yells back a, “Please look after Less!” and she’s in her car, driving off. 

Hoping it’s not too late. 

// 

“Hey, can you do me a favour?”

“I’d do anything for you.” Penelope smiles up at her from where she’s lying the couch and god, Josie would give her life for her… but she’ll save that thought for later. 

“Can you grab the blankets? We’re almost finished with the popcorn.”

“Oh, I uh, I would, really, but I can’t right now.” Penelope points at the sleeping cat in her lap. 

Josie rolls her eyes, but, fair enough. 

She quickly runs upstairs and grabs a few blankets. As she’s walking back down, she sees her daughter walk into the living room with the popcorn - how she had managed to get it out of the microwave and into a bowl is beyond her. 

Less settles onto the couch and turns to Penelope. “Can you do _ me _ a favour, too?”

“I’d do anything for you.” Penelope repeats, sitting up properly to give Less some space and, essentially, waking up Mr. Snuggles in the process. 

Josie scoffs at her from the doorway and Penelope just blows her a kiss, pulling Josie down onto the couch when she’s close enough. Josie gracefully slumps onto the other side, spreading the blankets, Less in between the two. 

“Can you and mum get a divorce?” Less, the poor child, smiles innocently at them. 

“I, well, ok, anything but that.” Penelope stumbles with her words. 

Josie shares a look of bewilderment with her, then turns to Less. 

“Honey, do you know what that is?” Josie asks cautiously. 

“No, not really.” Less shrugs. “But my friend’s parents got a divorce and she says they were so much happier after.”

“Oh. Well, a divorce is when parents separate because they’re unhappy when they’re together.” 

Less’ eyes widen. “Oh, I don’t want that.”

“Us too.” Josie grabs the hand not holding the popcorn, squeezing it gently. 

“Does that always happen?” Less asks. 

“Not always, baby,” Penelope says, “but sometimes parents just aren’t happy together anymore and living separately will make them happier.” 

“Oh, okay.” Less nods, like it’s a simple fact. 

“Don’t worry, baby.” Josie reassures her. 

“I’m not.” Less gives her a smile. “Can we start the movie?”

Penelope and Josie both nod and begin playing the movie, Less seemingly completely moved on from the topic. 

Though, now Josie is preoccupied by the thought - her mind reeling with reasons they would ever get a divorce, catching nothing of substance. 

When Less is asleep about half an hour into the movie, exactly on schedule, Josie looks over at Penelope. 

“Would we ever…?” she whispers.

Penelope turns to her with genuine confusion on her face, but she gets it. “For what?”

“I don’t know,” Josie answers truthfully.

Penelope smiles at her, leaning over their daughter to gently cup Josie’s face. “Honestly, at this point, you’re going to have to be the one who breaks up with me.” 

Josie leans forward, bringing her face closer to Penelope’s, and receives a small kiss. 

Penelope continues, whispering against her lips, “You would literally have to be dying for me to do it.”

Josie just laughs softly and kisses her back.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hospital? again? really? i am sick of this author. 
> 
> u can’t see it, but there are lots of “(AHHH)”s scattered around this chapter. i have deleted them for your reading pleasure, but just know they are there in my drafts. and my head 
> 
> it’s a bit hard to be writing/reading angst rn, i know it’s my own damn fault. but i reckon this is the last of it.. mainly because i do not want to do it anymore lmao
> 
> thank you for your patience and all your nice comments :’) i so appreciate all of you, and i genuinely hope everyone is doing well in this time
> 
> happy may 4th, stream the half of it on netflix :-) see you later


	18. i hope we're gonna pull through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhh yep lol hmm

“Are you alright?”

Penelope clutches the side of abdomen and huffs out a breath, almost scoffing at Josie’s concerned look. “What do you care?”

Josie steps back a bit, looking around the corner of the brick wall that Penelope’s leaning against - the corner that Josie had appeared from just a moment ago.

“You’re hurt,” Josie notes, and Penelope has to roll her eyes, has to stop herself from responding with a snarky _‘No shit’_.

“I’m fine,” she says instead. It’s not exactly a lie, nor is it exactly the truth. If anything, the physical pain is a pleasant distraction from what she’s feeling emotionally.

“I should get a teacher.” Josie takes another step back, looking like she’s about two seconds from running back around to the entrance of the school.

“Please,” Penelope quickly interjects, “don’t…”

She hopes that Josie can see the sincerity in her eyes, the pleading of not wanting anyone else to be involved in the situation.

Josie pauses for a second, then, she gives Penelope a small nod, walking closer once again. Penelope’s shoulders relax, only just realising how tense they had been.

There’s an attempt to slide down the wall, to let herself sit on the ground, but all Penelope can do is groan at dull pain before Josie’s at her side, holding her steady.

Penelope turns to look at her - Josie’s face much closer than expected - and she sees the mix of concern and questioning in her eyes and furrowed brow. Though, she’s somewhat grateful when Josie doesn’t mention anything about it, doesn’t pry, just helps Penelope down onto the floor.

Still, most likely because of the way that Josie’s looking down at her, Penelope feels an irritating need to reassure her. “Really, I’m fine. You should go back to class - can’t have the teacher missing their pet.”

Josie frowns a little, sighs as she moves to sit down next to Penelope, both of them leaning their backs against the wall and looking out onto the large field ahead of them.

After a moment of silence, from the corner of her eye she sees Josie turn to her - can practically feel the wheels turning, navigating an unfamiliar street.

“Why do you always say stuff like that?” Josie’s voice is soft, like anything louder will break whatever this calm they have fallen into is.

Penelope isn’t expecting the question, even though it’s hardly an absurd thought. Since the two of them first met almost a year ago, there had been numerous occasions where she would make some snarky remark or inappropriate joke. Just out of habit, almost out of necessity.

There was something about Josie that she just didn’t get. Whether it was the pure compassion that she gave everyone or the way that she would endlessly follow her sister around, always accommodating to her every need.

Either way, Penelope just didn’t know what to do around her. What she _did_ know, however, was that it was amusing as hell to annoy her, falling back into the comfort zone of teasing and ruffling a feather or two.

More silence passes and there’s contemplation of whether she should give a genuine answer or leg it down the path of least resistance.

She decides to take a whole different route all together.

“My cousin… we were running with a tough crowd… you know how it is…” Penelope briefly looks over and remembers who she’s talking to. “Or maybe not. Anyway, her parents sent her back to their home country last month… and what can I say.” A small shrug. Eyes focused on unfocused hands. “She was my best friend... anyway, I got into some trouble afterwards with the people we were hanging around with. Then, yesterday, I basically told them to go fuck themselves and yeah… didn’t end well. They at least had the decency, or intelligence is maybe a better word, to not mess up my face…” Penelope chuckles, pulling her hands away from each other and hoping to find some stability from the ground next to her instead.

Josie’s silent for a short moment, then she turns her body towards Penelope. A hand reaches out to rest gently on top of hers.

“Penelope… I’m sorry… about your cousin, about those people who hurt you…” Josie sounds like she could cry and Penelope doesn’t want to face it - doesn’t want to face the one person who, for some reason, seems to care more about it than she does herself - has a strong feeling that any wall would crumble the moment she looks at Josie.

And all the snide comments that Penelope has made, all the flirty remarks to make Josie roll her eyes but blush anyway, all of that and Josie’s right next to her, comforting her, like it’s nothing, like it’s something that Penelope has ever felt before.

This. This is exactly what Penelope doesn’t _get._

“Why?” is all Penelope ends up saying.

“Why what?” Josie’s brows furrow.

“You literally can’t stand me - that’s a direct quote - and I am the most irritating person you have ever met - another direct quote - yet… you’re here.” There are unspoken words which could follow, but there’s also an unusual sense of understanding that makes them so.

Josie just laughs, soft, and moves back against the wall again; her hand doesn’t do the same. And now that she’s been released from Josie’s gaze, Penelope finally turns to look at her.

“True.” Josie nods, a small smile on her face. “I have said those things… and I’ll probably go back to despising you as soon as we’re back inside. But I don’t know…” She shrugs, looking down at her lap, and hesitates for a moment, like she’s building up the courage to say something. “I feel like you’re the only one who pays attention to me.”

And it’s strange - or definitely something Penelope has never thought about - that Josie is so deprived of attention that she feels seen when someone so much as finds the time to playfully antagonise her.

But Josie, Penelope is slowly learning, is an open book enigma. No one has simply found the time or effort to turn to any pages other than what is currently on display.

So it might be this exact moment - the way that Josie looks out onto the field, her hand on Penelope’s, Penelope’s eyes on Josie - that sparks it all. If Penelope could pinpoint a date and time where it changes, where she knows that she can’t keep up this kind of relationship with Josie - that she doesn’t _want_ to - then this might be it.

All she’s sure of is that Josie deserves more - deserves more than just the attention of someone who goes out of their way to piss her off.

And for that reason, she tells herself that she does this more for Josie’s sake than her own. It’s only a simple question, after all.

“Do you want to be friends?”

It sounds awkward coming from Penelope’s mouth, like a child on their first day of school, and she’s sure Josie feels it too.

“Oh.” Josie turns to her, their eyes finally meeting, and the surprise is evident. “I… I’d like that.”

“Cool,” is all Penelope says, like she hasn’t just thrown herself in the deep end. A cannonball that would quench whatever this moment is that they’ve just shared; extinguish the pilot light.

But there’s a fire in Josie, igniting the bitter cold that Penelope has endured for months. Something that motivates her to change lest she end up getting burnt.

And Penelope finds that she does want it. She does want the change.

//

She doesn’t make it.

Her best friend is in a hospital, lying on a gurney as the doctor calls time of death, and she doesn’t make it.

All she gets is the phone call, barely a few hours after the previous one, letting her know that they did everything they could but there was nothing that could’ve saved them.

No goodbyes are shared, not even an _I’ll be there soon_ as Penelope scrambled to find the soonest flight, threw handfuls of clothing into a suitcase.

Josie comes home less than an hour later and finds her, curled up on the sofa in silent tears. And Penelope doesn’t have to say a word before Josie’s at her side, holding her tight - knows that the seat Penelope had booked for an hour's time will be empty.

There’s a child and that’s the worst part. Her cousin had just given birth months before and now there’s a child; faultless, yet now, parentless.

But Penelope’s so helpless to it all. On the other side of the globe. A passive receiver to news that she can’t change. A living vessel that is so powerless to the spatial and temporal constraints of this universe.

And Josie just holds her, whispers words of comfort and compassion and tenderness as she crumbles and falls, slips down a metaphorical brick wall. Just like every other time Penelope has been hurt. Josie is a ceaseless continuum when everything insists on changing.

It’s then that a vow is made; to Josie, to herself.

If there’s ever a moment that Penelope has the sheer ability to relieve another person of this pain, of this whole-body loss,

even if she loses a part of herself in the process,

there’s nothing in this world that would stop her from doing so.

//

A small bird perches itself on the windowsill of the room.

Penelope watches it. There’s a nice calm to it, the bird unwavering and unbothered even in the strong wind that’s ruffling its feathers. The ventilation of the hospital room alone is enough to make Penelope shiver, the thin gown hardly offering any protection.

Minutes pass and the bird remains, as if there doesn’t exist a whole sky - a whole world - for it to explore.

Penelope is pulled away at the sound of the door opening. She hadn’t expected the doctor to be back so soon, having just performed the CT scan and letting her know that it’ll take a while to get the results from the radiologist.

Her expectations are further sucker punched when she instead sees her ex-wife at the doorway, slightly breathless.

“Hey,” Penelope greets her softly, sitting herself up properly on the edge of the bed, and although she’s always more than happy to see her, she’s still curious. “What are you doing here?”

Josie looks a little dazed, her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She takes a few steps forward, closing the door behind her, but never breaks eye contact. “I… I don’t know, I just thought…” She shakes her head. “I don’t know, I just needed to see you.”

“Okay… did Hope put you up to this? To come check on me? Because I told her I was fine and that I’m just here for a check-up and that I haven’t been feeling any pain lately,” Penelope trails off when she sees the expression on Josie’s face - so familiar, but only ever present in their aching moments. She’s cautious when she speaks again, reaching out her hand to hold Josie’s, attentive to whatever it is inside her that looks like it’s about to break. “Hey… I’m right here. I’m alright.”

There’s a fluttering against the window and Penelope turns to it. The bird is gone, replaced with water droplets running down the glass. She turns back to Josie and it’s the same sight; droplets running down.

Penelope can barely get a word in - barely ask if she’s alright - before Josie’s holding her, pulling her into a trembling embrace as they sit next to each other on the bed. And there’s not much Penelope can do except reciprocate, give Josie whatever she needs right now, wait for answers later.

Perhaps her shoulder should hate the wetness, already sapped from the weight of the year and everything she’s been through. But it simply welcomes it, not knowing there had even been a drought.

When the breathing evens out, Josie’s head shakes slowly against Penelope’s shoulder. Then, almost a whisper, “I can’t…”

Penelope pulls away the slightest bit, so they can face each other. “Can’t what?”

Josie lets out a breath, eyes still glistening with unshed tears. “I can’t lose you.” Her head shakes once more. “Not again.”

Penelope brings her hands to gently rest around Josie’s face, her thumbs stroking gently. “I’m not going anywhere... I’m right here.”

Josie leans in the slightest bit and their foreheads rest against one another, settling in a balance that comes from years of practice. It’s almost too much to physically take in and Penelope has to close her eyes, savour the feeling of Josie’s arms around her waist, of Josie under her fingertips.

There’s a whisper, so soft it almost gets lost in the sound of Penelope’s own breath. “I love you.”

Penelope opens her eyes, pulls back slowly, needs the confirmation that her mind isn’t losing it’s grip on reality, that it isn’t hearing words that aren’t meant for her.

But Josie’s eyes are a testament to everything and more. Whatever it is that Penelope could ever be searching for, it’s right here.

And it’s the reason why it’s so easy for her to whisper back, “I love you too.”

Because it’s true. It always has been, and she would put her life savings on the chances that it always will be - though, it’s hardly a gamble.

But this - what they have between them - is. In the end, that’s what all relationships are, a gamble. A constant roll of dice that always has a chance of coming up short - in which a pair comes up with the lowest possible sum, a consensual losing game.

In which the synergistic nature of a pair of dice is lost. Penelope’s corporate mind would laugh at that.

Still, they risked it for over a decade, to the point where it didn’t even feel like a risk anymore. But every time, it was enough, more than enough. Until it wasn’t.

And that’s the reason. That’s the reason why when Josie leans in again, to close the gap between them, Penelope stops her.

Because if the situation has taught her anything, it’s that she can’t control herself when she’s with Josie. And although the likelihood of a similar circumstance occurring is lower than Challenger Deep, it’s still always going to be there; her recklessness, her selfishness, her impulsivities.

Even if she wants this - God, she wants this more than anything - the risk of ever hurting Josie again because of her own actions cause her to place any and all of her desires on the back burner, letting it incinerate in the flames.

There’s questioning in Josie’s eyes and Penelope needs to answer it, before any hurt can settle in.

“Josie, we…” Penelope pulls back, her hands sliding down to rest on Josie’s shoulders. “We should start again, from the beginning.”

“Oh.” Josie moves away as well, both their hands slipping down to meet each other in the middle. “Right, of course.”

Penelope sighs, knowing it’s not something Josie wants to hear - especially not after putting it all on the line like that - knowing that it’s not something she wants to say, an age-old cliché. “I just… think it’s what we need right now.” She gently squeezes the hands in hers - hopes that Josie knows that she only wants the best for them, that she’s trying hard not to be so reckless. “Some time to figure out what’s best for both of us.”

Josie nods, though she still looks a bit lost about Penelope’s inner conflict. Even so, she smiles, and Penelope almost gives in just at that. “All the way? The very beginning?”

Penelope lets out a small laugh. “Okay, maybe not that far. I think I like it a little better when you don’t hate me.”

Josie bites her lip, like she’s trying to tame her smile, but it’s all apparent in her eyes. “You already know I never did. I had the hugest crush on you.”

Penelope does know. Remembers how embarrassed Josie had been when she had made the admission soon after they first started dating, how she tried to cover her face but Penelope had pulled her hands away and kissed her.

She misses this - how easily they make each other smile, how comfortable everything is. Because, even though they had a strong romantic relationship, at the end of it all, what she truly missed was her best friend.

But it’ll be good. Sure, they’ve both had more than enough space from each other in the past year or so, but this is different. They’re in a good place and there’s still enough room for growth, for change.

Whether that means they’ll ever end up together again is beyond her. All she knows is that she needs to work on herself, work on being a better friend, before anything else.

Because Penelope knows that she could apologise a thousand times for doing what she did, but in the end she’d still do it again in a heartbeat. So where does that leave her. One’s instinctive nature is not something you can exactly move past.

And they’ve overcome numerous other issues in the past, but this is different. This was a storm that took a turn for the worst. That destroyed their home regardless of how hard Penelope had tried to board the windows. In her rashness, she’s the one who trapped them inside to take the impact of it all.

So, all she can do is try to fix it, try to learn from it. Clear the windows and let the sun shine in.

All she can do is say, “I know,” and let Josie’s head rest on her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i... do not have anything to say for myself. i am really sorry. but u have no idea how much i appreciate all ur nice comments and everyone who’s checked up on me ♥♥♥ i love all of u whether or not ur still here
> 
> i am ok! finished my thesis, graduated uni, applied for postgrad, and apparently they just let anyone in so that’s what’s happening i guess 
> 
> however, i did forget everything that’s happened in this story and the notes i had left myself were ❌Not❌ helpful at all. & i promised myself that i would read thru the whole story again but that was a lie. i did read thru the last chapter tho and woah some of that kinda hit huh.. maybe i was onto something idk
> 
> anyway, thought i owed it to everyone and myself to finish this weird lil thang off!! there’s only 2 chapters left!! not becuz i understand how pacing works but cause i’ve literally run out of lyrics to use as titles 🤩
> 
> next chapter is making me puke from how cheezee it looks. stay safe, see u then!! 😁


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